December 16, 2009

your hair was long when we first met

Hannah came over tonight for dinner. I made homemade macaroni and cheese and green beans, and after dinner we had dulce de leche milkshakes. They're not as good as they sound, haha :) Well, Hannah and I watched two Charlie Brown Christmas movies--and then we giggled for awhile about the way my skaters in my Christmas village can fall down and stick to each other's magnets and drag each other around. (This is actually very comical to watch.) Then I gave Hannah her Christmas present, and she was going to take it home and put it under her tree but I begged her to open it tonight. So we brought it up to the romantical atmosphere of my bedroom and she opened the bigger one first--it was brick red wristwarmers trimmed in black fur. She gushed for a long time. I knew she wanted a pair but I really guessed on the colors--and she loved them! My heart started to feel kinda fuzzy. Then she opened the other gift, which she really loved. It was a set of bangles from Maurice's. I had so much fun picking them out and I knew she would love them! It gave me such a good good feeling knowing I got her something she genuinely loved. It was almost better than new jeans.

Anyway, it got me really excited for Christmas--to see people's joy and everything. Christmas is a really good time to kinda sit back and watch rather than, y'know, be right in the middle of everything. The center of attention, which is something I like to be a lot.

It's Christmas. Don't stress out, don't push yourself. Enjoy the lights, enjoy the snow, enjoy the eggnog. Enjoy the family and friends and the sugar cookies and the Christmas tree. It's the most wonderful time of the year... so make the most of it!

Saints before the altar bending
Watching long in hope and fear
Suddenly, the Lord descending
In His temple shall appear.
Come and worship,
Come and worship,
Worship Christ the newborn King.
--"Angels From the Realms of Glory"

October 16, 2009

I have to go, I have to go

I just made a list of 27 Ambitions--things I want to accomplish between now and when I'm dead. The list is actually very funny to read (you don't get to read it, haha, only I do!), with everything from "sponsor a child" to "make a CD" to "throw a message in a bottle out to sea" to (don't laugh) "learn to do a cartwheel." Because I was just reading Do Hard Things this morning, for Bible, and I thought, I'm going to write down ten hard things I want to do. So after I did this, I realized that I had a similar list in one of my other journals, so I found that list and then I compiled them into a document on my computer. And I was reading about one of the girls in Do Hard Things that wasn't pushing herself, because it was so easy to slip by with the expectations everyone else was pinning on her. And I realized I'm in the same boat as her, in a way. I doubt anybody really EXPECTS me to finish a musical, right? Except maybe Jonathan, because if I don't he's out a whole pack or two of stickers. But, like, I'm not even sure I expect it of myself. Which is where I need to start. Then again, it's one thing to blog about writing a musical, and it's another entirely to sit down and grit your teeth and git 'er done.

Well, I just realized I have SO much I want to do--and no reason why I'm not doing it!! I don't get myself sometimes. Or even like all the time. I'm a pretty confusing individual. So, I'm going to start working on those 27 things--TODAY--and I might even come up with one or two more. I never ever want to run out of hard things on my list. I never want to run out of goals. I want to pursue excellence, not excuses. =]

On a less deep and inspiring note, I need new sweat pants. My pink ones are stained from that time I made cookies and dropped a stick of butter (and caught it with my leg), and my grey ones have holes down by the ankle... (sigh)

I start voice lessons tomorrow!! I'm excited because that's another hard thing I can work at, and hopefully excel. Especially if she wants me to do those breathing exercises with that twenty pound weight on my stomach like she wanted me to do every morning last year... but I only did it once or twice a week. See? I'm confusing.

Okay, I gotta get back to school now. I just wanted to write down my thoughts... I would have journaled them but it would have taken even longer! So, here I go. Ambition #1: Finish my musical and perform it....

October 7, 2009

beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth

well it's the end to a normal day. I never want to have normal days. They are so boring and unexciting and LONELY! In a few minutes I'm going to bed, and when I wake up my day is going to be everything I want it to be because I'm going to have the right attitude. I'm going to start writing in my journal more, and spending less time on facebook. I'm going to write more music and text less. I'm going to work harder to become everything I dreamed... in the book Do Hard Things, it says, "We will all become the men and women we strive (or don't strive) to be." And right now I'm not striving... but that's going to change. In my Bible notebook I wrote down the Five Kinds of Hard and I made a goal to try and do something hard every day... whether it be finishing my school on time to doing the dishes right after dinner (even though I hate doing that). It's time I started making some good habits and self-disciplining myself.

I talked to my mom on the phone tonight. She and dad are having fun at Deer Lodge... they went on a hike, today, she said. She also said that when she comes home we will go shopping in Missoula for some dresses! I need new dresses for my senior recital and for banquet. I'm so excited. Maybe I can find a decent pair of skinny jeans down there!

Today I watched The Devil Wears Prada and I really liked it. I'm not sure why. Maybe I could identify with Andie's longing to fit in and make it and want to be wanted. Then again, maybe I just liked all the nice shoes and outfits throughout the movie :)

I think when I look at myself I see something different from what everyone else sees. Where everyone else sees a bubbly, make-em-laugh kinda girl, I see a fool who will do anything for attention. Where everyone else sees a gorgeous smile, I see a hideous nose. Where everyone else sees a slender, well-proportioned person, I see a fat, ugly one. But which of us is right? hmm. Then I can never tell if that's the way I really feel or if I'm just sorry for myself because I'm not my idea of prettier. This topic is deep. I could go on forever.

But I'm going to go write in my journal. If I come up with anything good, I'll let you know.

I was kidnapped by handsome bronze-chested pirate men. --Olivia Witt

September 16, 2009

I loved you first, I loved you first

I made banana bread today. Just for fun. I must be losing it. I was just making a smoothie for breakfast and I saw these extremely overripe bananas, and I thought, "you know what I want to make today? Banana bread." And then I just got this really weird craving to clean the kitchen so I did the dishes and washed all the counters, just so I could make banana bread! Just so I could dirty the kitchen and dirty more dishes! I am turning into a MOM! (look of shock and horror)

Yesterday I had a dentist appointment with Dr. Colonna in Whitefish... the one thing I noticed about him is that when he came into the room, he immediately started talking to ME, not my mom. I appreciated that. I am the patient, and I deserve some say (although my mom ultimately has the checkbook! hahaha). He shook my hand and asked me how old I am, and then he said, "Wanna date my son? He's 17." I said sure. Overall, the atmosphere of his office was friendly and entirely un-pushy. well... almost entirely. The hygienist was positive I have to do this whitening process because as an adolescent my teeth are yellower and if I decide later in life that I want to whiten my teeth, I won't be able to, because the implant will be made specifically to match the color of my teeth... and on and on she went. Then when Dr. Colonna came in, he said, "oh, you can do that if you want, but you certainly don't have to. I don't think you need it." And I wanted to stick my tongue out at Miss Priss the Hygienist.

My senior pictures are scheduled for the 30th. I'm nervous, excited, and... well... I don't know. I don't want to grow up. I don't want to become an adult and have adult responsibilities... and I don't want to have to take care of myself when I'm sick. And I never NEVER want to be alone at night. The pictures will be nice, but.... couldn't I just freeze time? =\

September 7, 2009

Mr. President

here is an interesting excerpt from my American Government curriculum. (Alpha Omega LIFEPACS, grade 12.)

Possibly one of the most powerful passages that teaches us about our attitude towards our president and the ruling authorities comes from Romans 13:1-7. In it Christians are instructed to submit to the authorities of their countries since, according to verse 1, God has established these authorities. Verse 2 says that rebelling against the government is rebelling against the authority that God has allowed. There are some Christians who feel that a non-Christian president in office will nullify the obligation for obedience, but Romans chapter 13 tells us that we should obey not only to avoid punishment, but also to have a good conscience before God. The Bible allows Christians to be involved in their country's government, including working to suppress legislation that defames God or contradicts the Bible. However, the Christian should be aware that submitting to authority, be it county judge or even a Presidential enactment, is a testimony to the Lord. Each Christian must be wise and use discernment in this area.

1Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. 3For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. 4For he is God's servant to do you good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword for nothing. He is God's servant, an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer. 5Therefore, it is necessary to submit to the authorities, not only because of possible punishment but also because of conscience. 6This is also why you pay taxes, for the authorities are God's servants, who give their full time to governing. 7Give everyone what you owe him: If you owe taxes, pay taxes; if revenue, then revenue; if respect, then respect; if honor, then honor. (Romans 13:1-7, NIV)

September 6, 2009

you are my sweetest downfall

I'm working on He's the Question right now. Most frustrating song I've ever had to deal with, but I'm not mad. I'm not getting mad. I'm nowhere near mad. It's hard enough writing piano music for it, but trombone and drums too?! I don't even play those instruments! How the heck am I supposed to know how to write for them?? I have a new system of song-writing, though, since it's easier to write at my piano rather than my computer--I print off the song before I even start (so all you see is the title and my name and a bunch of blank measures) and take it down to the piano for the rough draft. Putting it in my computer is when I have to do the technical stuff like measures and rhythm. I don't understand how ANYBODY, genius or not, could compose at age 3!

Then again, I have everything I need. I have the tools (the laptop, the proper composing program, the keyboard), I have the capacity (beginning my sixth year of piano, preparing for my senior recital in the spring AND teaching 3 students of my own), I have the time (well, kind of)... I have the motivation (Jonathan is going to give me stickers). So, why not write a musical and rock at it? I can do it, so why don't I? Why don't I set my heart on it? Is it fear? I'm tired of not being brave and jumping at opportunities!!

September 2, 2009

for the teenage boys, they're breaking your heart

That's the last line of the song. Now I have to find a new song to use for the titles of my blogs :)
Today was a good day. The UPS guy brought my brand-spanking-new Lenovo laptop (which I am blogging from right now) at about 11:19 AM, and as I was going down the stairs to get it, my mom told me I look skinny today. That made me pretty happy. (By the way, she is informally christened "Lappy" after Strong Bad and the Homestarmy.)

I didn't have to do science today because I did today's science yesterday. Then, today, I did tomorrow's American Government! I'm trying to make it a habit to stay up to date and even ahead in my school, because I know once the year gets underway... if I don't have a good system, a good routine, I'm sunk. I guess I just get so busy and discouraged that when I have the time, I'm not energetic enough to make the effort to finish. It's a sick, endless cycle.

I helped my mom can about five pounds of beans this afternoon, and we're not done yet. We have another six pounds to go! That's all the pounds we didn't manage to sell at market on Saturday! It was nice to just chat with her and snap beans.

My iPod is syncing right now. This computer is just way too much fun :) the keyboard makes a satisfying sound when you type and it feels good. I wonder if typing is considered a repetitive activity that releases endorphins. hmmmm... interesting thing to find out, hey?

So yesterday our car died on the way to Foys lake. We almost had to walk two miles uphill, loaded down with towels and bags and one cooler full of Sobes. My mom tried to call a few people and while she did I ended up holding her stuff and my stuff... I joked to her that I must've looked like her personal slave, toting all the stuff while she breezily chatted on her cell phone. It was a fun adventure. Miss Ann rescued us though, so we didn't have to walk the whole way.

I started Spanish again. It's kind of weird, starting all over but sort of remembering all the stuff I already learned. We'll see how it goes... this is my senior year. I just have to finish all the stuff I've started!

Well, I'd better go. I'm syncing my iPod with this computer, and I still have to install a few things. (Like PrintMusic 3000! Yay!)

Learn to be lonely. Life can be lived, life can be loved alone.

August 29, 2009

money can't buy you back the love that you had then

I just came in from mowing the lawn. I changed my shirt, and now I'm sitting criss-cross applesauce on my bed, listening to old TobyMac albums. I'm so tired. Last night I made the mistake of drinking a Dr. Pepper... I woke up twice :( And Farmer's Market this morning was SOOOO cold, at least for the first couple of hours. I almost went into Claire's and bought a pair of tights to go under my skirt.

I start school on Monday! (well, everything except Algebra 2 and Geography.) I'm pretty excited. There's a kind of thrill about new school books... I was at Michael and Kelley's the other day and my mom was helping Kelley plan school for the girls, and I was admiring their brand-new, shiny math books. I told Kelley that I love new school books, and she said, "I know, wanna touch them?" I don't have a ton of new ones--I got new American Government Lifepacs, and new Astronomy Lifepacs... but for Physics, I'm doing an old, old book. Nice pictures :P hahaha.

I ordered a laptop on Thursday! Jason helped me pick out a good one, and it even has a webcam... I've been trying to get my mom to get one of those forEVER. It should come on Wednesday. I'm sooooooooo excited... I wanna put iTunes on it, and my Print Music program :)

My heart broke a little bit today. When we stopped at Michael and Kelley's today to drop off the potatoes and beans that we didn't sell at Market, I could hear some yelling and screaming in the house across the street... and a kid crying... Then I heard the dad yell, "Upstairs. NOW." and then a sickening sound... and the kid sobbed, "daddy, that hurt." I couldn't even stand it.

Do you know where you're going to?
Do you like the things that life is showing you?
Do you know... where you're going to?
--"Do You Know", TobyMac

July 14, 2009

1,2,3,4,5,6,9 or 10

I fainted yesterday. Turns out it wasn't just a little nausea, it was a full-blown stomach virus. I didn't sleep well that night--I was hot and couldn't get comfortable... I woke up three or four times just feeling miserable. Then my mom got me up at 8:15 (when I was finally sleeping hard), and I felt just AWFUL. Really hot and queasy, and I thought it was for lack of fresh air, so I went out on the porch swing, and my mom came with me. That was when we decided I couldn't go to camp this week, or at least not right away. So I stayed in the TV room and watched movies all day long... I threw up around 2:30 ish and I had a few dry heaves, they hurt so bad I cried :( Then my mom went outside to weed and I watched some more movies... at about 4:00 or 4:30 I decided I was cold, because I was only wearing a T-shirt and lounge shorts. So, I decided I could go upstairs by myself and change if I just went reaaaaal slow. So, I did. I made it upstairs and I changed into warmer pants... then I got to my doorway and everything went black. I weakly called out to my brother who I knew was across the hall, then I gripped the door frame with all my might and felt myself falling... Then I decided fainting would only be fun if you were wearing a big, pretty dress and knew that a handsome man was going to catch you. So Jason came and helped me down the stairs and by the time we got downstairs I was exhausted and I drank a lot of 7-Up.

If I get better today, I can go to camp in the morning tomorrow :) Pray for me!

July 11, 2009

too scared to own up to one little lie

Oh boy... I'm such a procrastinator! Here I've been home for two weeks and I don't write another blog until the night before I leave again. I'm really tired--but excited at the same time. I'm torn between the two worlds I live in, so different yet so much alike. Camp isn't quite reality... I realize that... but I do love it out there.

In the morning I plan on curling my hair... so much to do! I wonder if I packed everything I need? Today my family and I went up to Herron Park and hung out for a few hours :) I had a lot of fun. Then we (we being my mom and I) went to a spa party at my cousin's house... mmmm. it was nice.

Even my thoughts aren't focused. They keep skipping around like an excited puppy. Only I'm not that energetic!! *yawwwn* goodness gracious, excuse me.

I wonder if this week will be fun. I wonder if it will be fun spending a whole week with junior high girls... hm... hahahaha :) I'm sure it will be. The scary thing/hard thing is being a good example. You never really think about how much younger people want to be like you and do the things you do and dress like you... it's crazy! :P

I feel a little nauseated right now. I can't tell if it's because I haven't eaten well, or I had too much ice cream at Holly's... or maybe I'm nervous? haha, girls intimidate me! Yikes. :S But I remember going to junior high camp and absolutely adoring the girls who were on work crew.

Well, I better get my hiney off to bed, since I still have to curl my hair in the morning. And I better double-check all my stuff. Goodnight, goodbye, Good... good... um... yeah.

I will not lie down, I will not sleep
And they overseas, yes they're trying to be free
Erase the demons out of our memory
Change your name and your identity.
--Matisyahu, "Jerusalem"

June 30, 2009

More Beautiful You

Little girl, fourteen, flipping through a magazine,
Says she wants to look that way...
But her hair isn't straight, her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight

Well little girl, fourteen, I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart...
And you were made with such care, your skin, your body, and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are.

There could never be a more beautiful you!
Don't buy the lies, disguises, and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl, twenty-one, the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man, but he's got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead...

Well little girl, twenty-one, you never thought this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And he'll treat you like the jewel you are...

There could never be a more beautiful you!
Don't buy the lies, disguises, and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

So turn around, you're not too far
To back away, be who you are
To change your path, go another way
It's not too late, you can be saved
If you feel depressed, with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear, they can all be washed away
By the One who's strong, can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears, dry all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl...
--Jonny Diaz

June 14, 2009

those teenage hopes who have tears in their eyes

Well, tonight is my last night at home for awhile... I feel sad. Even though I love camp and the people there and the kids and the ministry and all of it, it's still not home. *siiigh* I still have to remove my black nail polish... if I leave it on any longer my nails will chip and it will drive me crazy all week, because I won't have remover with me.

My neck hurts like crazy. I think wearing my swimsuit hasn't been helping cuz it's a halter top and pulls on my neck, but my swimsuit is the only thing I can wear that doesn't rub my sunburn! Gosh, it's a lose-lose!

So, while I'm at camp, I'll try and write lots in my journal to rewrite as a blog when I come back. I always think I'm gonna have more time at camp at camp than I really do have, but then again somedays I get sooo bored and tired of being there... I guess we'll just have to see how this week turns out. I bet it will turn out really good. I have a feeling. Cuz things that I dread always turn out nice, and things that I look forward to are a huge disappointment. sad, but that's just the way they go I guess. =[

Tomorrow Camryn and Jessica, the nieces, are coming over at like... 6:30 AM... but I don't plan on being awake... I always sleep until I want. :P

ok soo I can't take my phone to camp--but if you want to write me at camp, here's the address...
Nicole Creighton
c/o Big Sky Bible Camp
501 McCaffery Road
Bigfork, Montana 59911

or you can just email me while I'm gone and I'll get it on Saturday, whatever works. Mail is more fun and when someone writes me at camp, I always write back. :)

*yawn* I better take my fingernail polish off and get to bed. Thanks for reading :) I tried to upload a photo but it was way too confusing and I think I should just do it either in the morning, or when I get back. And I am less tired.

I'm tied up, I'm tied down, and everytime I try to fly up, I fly down into the sea and hold my breath. I am a mirrored rumble fish, my fists are clenching for the kill... --Too Far Gone by Sixpence None the Richer

June 9, 2009

put the horse before the cart

We paint our faces, the silent masquerade
We hide beneath the glitter
Guess who I am.
The world is only as big as my eyes
The eyes that deceive me again and again.

So you assume I have nothing to say
Though quiet I remain
Would you stop talking long enough
would you stop placing the blame?

So whirling, twirling, the masquerade dancers
blossom like flowers, shy but magnificent.

Each one is unique, each one is beautiful
Each one different from another.

June 7, 2009

cozy and cold

As we drove my dog to the vet on Friday, I stroked her fur and thought, "God made us to be attached and feel love, and love and be loved in return." But it sure as heck hurt me. I will never own another dog. I hate making the decision to put an animal down. I wish she had gotten hit by a car. Or died in her sleep. Or eaten something poisonous. Or anything. But to know your animal is in pain and you can't do anything about it... that hurts, like none other. This is the last picture I took of my dog before she died. As you can see, she likes to smile for the camera. Er... liked.

My mom gave me a ring this morning. It says Fear Not. A good reminder to not be afraid... of all the things I'm afraid of. Everytime I look at it, I remember the song that goes "fear not, I am with thee, oh be not dismayed for I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee and cause thee to stand, upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand." I have no idea what the name of that song is (well, I'm sure I do, I just can't remember it. We sang it in BSF I think, sixth grade.

Last night Jessica and Camryn spent the night--and I had just bought some new nail polish at Target so we watched Saving Sarah Cain and I painted everybody's nails (even my mom's! I wanted her to do royal blue.. or black... but she said that was too gothic. phooey). Jessica won with the most colorful... she had black, red, and teal on her fingernails; black, orange and blue and one foot and orange and pink on the other. Camryn just had blue and black on her fingernails. Mom had pink on her fingernails AND toenails, and I had blue on my fingernails and pink and black on my toenails. the blue is really pretty--a ROYAL blue. Royal to match my nose. (long story.)

Night at the Museum 2 is a really cute movie. I got M&M's... and I ate them all... because I had had a really sad previous day (what with my dog and all) and I needed the chocolate. I went with Brooke. It was really fun because I never get to see her anymore, except at the airport when I go there... and we both went to Target. She got nail polish too: black and grey.

I hope to take a walk with my mom later today. Then we are going to little Eddie G's first birthday party! She is so cute. (but she doesn't like me very much.) The G is for Grace: Edna Grace. But Eddie G is more fun to say :D

Imagination is more important than knowledge. --Albert Einstein

June 4, 2009

now I can tell you apart

It's a really windy night... I'm sitting on the floor of my bedroom trying to focus on a physics review, but my mind is everywhere. My dog is sick with something, she's in agony... Her moans and groans kinda haunt me and make me sad at the same time. I went for a walk earlier with my mom and the wind was blowing sticks off the trees and the sky was the eeriest shade of blue-gray. I felt like I was in an Agatha Christie novel.

I curled my hair three days ago and it's still wavy... it's been kinda nice not to have to worry about styling my hair. Tomorrow I have to wash and straighten it though. I do feel pretty when I take the time to make myself look nice. =]

I'm going to spend 5 weeks at camp this summer. Two weeks this month, and three next month. This month I'm going for a week of work crew and then as a camper... it's the first co-ed junior week, so I'll be washing dishes for boys and girls, 3rd to 6th grade. And the second week this month is high school camp, so I'll be the one eating off the dishes someone else washes! Next month I'm doing work crew again for the junior high girls (6th to 9th grade) and THEN (the pies de resistance) two full weeks of junior counselor training! I am most excited for that. (Well, that and high school camp.)

I only had one job opportunity this year and it wasn't formal... when my mom and I were in town one day we picked up a bunch of applications and I went home and filled them out and the next day we dropped them off... but while we were picking up applications we stopped really quick at Chris' Tea Cottage and asked if she had any openings and the girl working at the time said no, but you can leave your name and number and Chris called me a few days later to say she had an opening in Bigfork, three days a week, assembling lunches, and I told her I'd talk to my mom and let her know.... and my mom said she didn't want to have to drive me to Bigfork three days a week all summer. (This is part of why I'm spending so much time at camp.) So then of course, I called Chris and said it probably won't work this year... but I wish I had taken it because after all, it is a JOB. Maybe next summer when I have my license.

I don't want my dog to die. I am sick of death. Today I read in my devotions... "In our information-rich world, we have figured out so much, unraveled so many of life's tangled mysteries. But there is so much more that we don't understand. And, just like a child who can't understand why she can't touch the moon--or why he can't eat candy for every meal--we question God about things that don't make sense to us." I don't know about you but I am pretty much the queen of pouting and asking questions about God. I highlighted that section in devotions and copied it into my journal... I caught myself TWICE today asking God why things weren't going my way. But the story doesn't end there... "Learn to appreciate life's questions. You can learn much about yourself--and about life itself--from the questions that emerge day to day. And remember that God, the Master Architect of the universe, has chosen to reach past the sun, the moon, and the stars to take your hand."

P.S. why CAN'T I touch the moon?!

May 26, 2009

sweetheart, bitter heart

I didn't get the job at the Mansion. I'm not ashamed to say I hung up the phone and ran to my mom and just cried... that job was so perfect for me and I was so sure I would get it. At least, until they didn't call and didn't call and I started to get the inkling I wasn't hired. And I'm not. So, tomorrow, my mom and I are going to drive around a little bit and apply at a few places. We'll see what happens, yes? If I don't get a job there is always camp (which I love, it's just that it doesn't pay. hahaha), but I already applied for their two-week session of junior counselor training. The application was so intense it took me an hour and twenty minutes to fill out, even with my mom's help. All kinds of questions about what I believe and having to back it up with Bible verses. I remember one of the hardest ones was about speaking in tongues... but that kind of thing is so good for me to practice.

We planted potatoes today--about ten or twelve rows, at least a hundred feet each! Our garden is ginormous. I am not really a gardening girl, but it will be fun to produce our own food from seeds. (My mom got me a dwarf orange tree and I'm anxious to see what comes from that.) Actually we have two gardens, and my mom and I planted some Yukon Gold potatoes in the smaller garden (the same one with the raspberries and strawberries) and red potatoes in the bigger garden. I don't even like potatoes. (ok so I exaggerate, I like potatoes but I never crave them or anything.)

On Thursday I will hopefully go see Night at the Museum 2 with Brooke. It will be the first time we have really, truly hung out in way over a year. I'm wondering how it will go.. will it be fun? Awkward? Just plain weird? We were supposed to go today but she had to work. I had my outfit planned and everything =[

I have been in this weird confused rut of depressed-ness lately. I don't like it at all... it makes me kinda mope around and not get anything done (except clean the kitchen, that's the easy part of life I've realized). It may help to figure out if I am supposed to get a job or not. We'll see what God says. I asked Him about it today.

I really want some Nicole brand nail polish. I saw it at Wal-Mart last time I was there and I thought, I have to have some of that!! Even though it's pretty expensive (seven bucks), they even spelled it right. I gotta get some Nicole brand. hehehe that is so fun to say.
"What kind of nail polish do you use?"
actually I really like Claire's too--but I wish they had some darker colors instead of just neons. Oh well. NYC is also good. Not like ANY of this matters.

My strongest trait is curiosity. --Bono

May 18, 2009

oh, you know who you are

I'm soaking up this sunshine!! Today I mowed the lawn for my parents. I'm debating taking a shower but we are going to plant some raspberries and strawberries after dinner... which would just make me all dirty again... so a shower would be pointless but then again I will feel nasty until dinner. Which to do?

The Mansion STILL hasn't called me, even though two weeks ago Margo told me it would be sometime next week, which was really last week. Should I call again? I feel like a pest, but sometimes it's the one who follows up that gets the job. I'll wait until tomorrow. (I know for a fact they work on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays--yeah, I'm sneaky AND observant!) Although now that I think about it, they should be open for tours. So maybe they are just busy.

On Sunday I had my piano recital and I got to wear new black pants from the Maurice's in Missoula! I played Sonata in 3 movements by Mozart. What a genius! I'm so glad that there were so many composers in the world that wrote such amazing music, cuz without them I would have to write my own music for recitals! haha, wouldn't THAT be stressful...

Speaking of music, while I was mowing the lawn I was thinking about it and life is kind of like writing a song. It's almost never easy, but when it is you really appreciate it. And even when it's hard you can look back and say, "wow, I learned a lot from that... it was actually fun!" And other people can learn from what you have done, to make their own music better by (in a sense) copying your expertise and theory. And you have something beautiful to share with someone else in the end. ahh, I'm feeling poetic. Can you tell? =]

I can't BELIEVE we have to have a huge garden. I'm not looking forward to it at all. One thing I can't stand is dirt under my fingernails... Now don't call me a sissy 'cause I could dig in the dirt for hours and make mud pies and throw them and all that fun stuff. I just hate dirt under my fingernails. I suppose it will be a summer of short nails.

I feel almost already sunburned. ahh =] I love the summer sunshine... by August I will be a lovely toasted shade of brown, and my hair will be a pleasant white-blonde. I'll have a swimsuit tan, of course. And my eyes will sparkle at the memories of summer fun.. this summer needs to be awesome enough to make up for last summer too!

Now, I shall go outside and read Robinson Crusoe... and when I'm done with that, I'll read A Tale of Two Cities! I have absolutely nowhere to go today and I love it.

Love puts the FUN in together, the SAD in apart, and the JOY in a heart. --unknown ♥

May 7, 2009

oh, you're changing your heart

I called the Conrad Mansion today before I lost my nerve :) I talked to Margo, I think she is the one who is there on Thursdays. She told me they hadn't made a decision yet (I was disappointed, but it's better than being told I didn't get the job) and that they had a few more people they needed to talk to, and then they would know by sometime next week. I'm on pins and needles, but I can feel the prick a little longer. It's ok, it's worth the wait.

It's a nice day! Maybe not "nice" by other people's definitions but it feels "nice" to me. It feels fresh, like you could walk outside and take an endless breath of air... cool and refreshing. (Not that I've been outside yet, for heaven's sakes I'm still in my jammies.)

Today I was listening to a CD I'm borrowing from Nik (while I was making cookies for Bible study) and I found a song that was soooo pretty... The CD is called Mother Earth by Within Temptation and the song is "In Perfect Harmony." Here are the lyrics. (and here is the link:

In a world so far away
At the end of a closing day
A little child was born and raised
Deep in the forest on a hidden place
Mother never saw his face

Ancient spirits of the forest
Made him king of elves and trees
He was the only human being who lived in harmony
In perfect harmony

The woods protected, fulfilled his needs
Fruit by birds, honey by bees
He found shelter under the trees
He grew up in their company
They became his family

Ancient spirits of the forest
Made him king of elves and trees
He was the only human being who lived in harmony
In perfect harmony

A thousand seasons
They passed him by
So many times, have said goodbye
And when the spirits called out his name
To join forever, forever to stay
A forest spirit he became

Ancient spirits of the forest
Made him king of elves and trees
He was the only human being who lived in harmony
In perfect harmony

May 6, 2009

but they want some more

Your life plays out on the shadows of the wall
You turn the light on to erase it all
Wonder what it's like to not feel worthless
So open all the doors and all the curtains.
--No One by Aly and AJ

Today is definitely not a good hair day. Or makeup day. Or clothes day. It's a good day for extremes, a good day to work out until you want to collapse. In fact, I think I'll do that. I have nowhere to go today and nobody to see, I might as well get skinny while I'm going nowhere and seeing nobody.

Tomorrow is youth group, I'm excited. If the weather is nice we will go down to the lake and have Bible study there... with a bonfire. Sounds perfect to me =] Maybe complete with marshmallows? ooh, even better! (I remember arguing to no end with Heidi about the spelling of the word marshmallow. I am still right, as always.)

I don't know why I have been so grumpy lately. Sometimes I'm talking to my mom and something really rude and disrespectful pops out of my mouth, and I think, wow, did I just say that?! Then I get even angrier at myself and it just snowballs and gets worse and worse.

I was trying to think of a "Five Things I Hate That Everybody Else Seems to Like"... I thought of my first one. Here it is: 1) People who take pictures of themselves. Don't know why but that really bothers me. It just seems so vain. For pete's sake if you need a picture grab a nearby someone! It's easy! =P

I learned a lot on Elite Syncopations today. I'm trying to beat that guy on YouTube... he learned in 14 days and I'm going to learn it in 10. Think I can do it?? Yeah, probably not. But it's worth a shot, hey?

My next driving lesson is approaching fast with every second that passes. Today I have to learn to turn into the driveway--I'm going to apologize in advance to the dumpster. I hope the neighbors keep their dog inside today... I'm not familiar enough with the brakes to save a dog's life.

Do you know why there are so many blonde jokes?
Because the brunettes have nothing better
to do while all the blondes are out on dates.

May 5, 2009

Left you with nothing

Sometimes you go somewhere, and you expect things to be exactly what they were... but they are never as they were. Things are constantly changing, people are constantly changing. It's hard enough to keep up with it all, much less pretend it's like it used to be. A past life. A dream. A premonition.

When I get hurt, I like to go to my piano, and play for as long as I can (which is usually until Dad goes to bed, and then I migrate to the keyboard upstairs) and play until I don't think I can get any better. It's my way of talking to the world... "I'll show you. I AM good at something, I am worth something." Today my song of choice was "Elite Syncopations" by Scott Joplin. He is so totally my hero. The next song by him that I will work on is Maple Leaf Rag... I suppose it's pretty popular but I don't remember ever hearing it. I'm listening to it on YouTube right now. Here's the link to Elite Syncopations:

I have a rock in my stomach. Maybe I'm hungry. But I choose to ignore it, I am stronger than myself! I had my first driving lesson today... I was so so scared. I like to learn a little bit at a time. So I'm going to learn a little more tomorrow. But I always feel so scared... and then I feel really stupid for feeling scared because I'm sure none of my OTHER friends (that have been driving since they were 13) get scared. I am such a small person... Easily intimidated. I can sing in front of a hundred people. But I can't drive a car.

May 3, 2009

Oh, teenage hopes are alive at your door

I am soooo soooo tired! Today I went to junior-senior bowling in Bigfork, and I wore my civil war ball gown. It was fun walking in, and seeing everyone glance at me, do a double take, then try their hardest not to look anymore :) The guy at the counter asked me if I was really going to bowl in "that" and I said "of course I am!" He told me, "alright, rock and roll."

I haven't heard from the Conrad Mansion yet. I feel like my job interview went really well. They marked high numbers on their papers anyway! I found out my piano recital is on the seventeenth. After that I can definitely relax with music... since I'm performing both piano and choir at the convention the same weekend. I can't wait. OH how I can't wait!

A bunch of people went to the Dairy Queen in Kalispell after bowling... I kind of wanted to, but I decided, you know, it's not really worth it. I was just there yesterday--and they'll close soon too (the reason nobody went to the DQ in Bigfork was because it was already closed). I'm so happy that I'm learning lessons like that. I'm not trying to convince myself that "this time it will be different, this time people will talk to me and I'll have fun, this time it will be different." I just trust myself. If it feels like it won't be worth it, it probably won't be worth it. So I skip it.

Becki loaned me a book called Flabbergasted. It's by Ray Blackston. So far, I really like it--he uses cool writing styles, such as this: "Tuesday evening while grilling chicken on my deck, I was thinking of brass plates and women, of women and brass plates, and wondered if contributing to that plate would hurry God up as far as meeting the right one. I flipped the chicken over, sprinkled it with lemon pepper, and thought maybe dropping two twenties in the plate would help me meet her this year, or a hundred bucks and we'd meet within a month, or five hundred and the person would arrive in warp speed, like Spock to Captain Kirk."
At the beginning of the chapter the author quoted Woody Allen: "ninety percent of life is just showing up." I had to pause on that thought for a minute while I read--it's true, isn't it? You don't really determine how much "happens" to you. You just go where you're supposed to and wait for it to come to you.

Tomorrow I have a piano lesson--BUT I get to come home in between that and BSF. Ahhhh the bliss and luxury of not having to stay in town. Now, if I only knew what to wear...

"And then, we saw a fifth leg sticking out of the fat mother cow..." --Josh Daley while describing a calf's birth

April 26, 2009

that was what my youth was for

*yawn* it's a sleepy Sunday afternoon. After church I put on jeans and a brown roxy hoodie (speaking of church, I washed the spot off my purple dress so I wore that one. I'll wear the black and white one next week) and it reminded me of city brew. That was a good feeling, but it made me miss my brother. He took me to city brew every Thursday night during my sixth grade year... 'cause I wasn't old enough to go to youth group and it was boring at home, since my parents go out for dinner every Thursday night. They've done that ever since I can remember. Thursday night = parents date night.

I just got back from a walk and my fingers are so cold it's hard to type. But I love the feeling of walking down an empty road, with nobody watching you but God and a handful of cows, wind in your hair and dust on your jeans, just listening to music and pouring out your thoughts--being totally honest and open. I love it. I brought back a little yellow wildflower for my journal. I always chew a piece of gum when I go on a walk to keep my mouth from getting dry and today it was watermelon. Still have it. :) The neighbor has two calves, a brown and a black one. The brown one is cuter and he watched me all the way to the cross roads. God is so cool, He makes weird animals like cows! Seriously. They are so odd. I bet they think the same thing about me (or at least they would if they weren't so dumb).

Tomorrow I'll be in town all day long. We have to go to the Buckners after piano lessons for my mom to teach preschool to Hannah and Jessica, and I promised Maraeah I'd play with her. Not my favorite thing to do... but I don't mind. When I was a little kid my favorite people were the ones that spent time with me--doing my hair, playing games... when I broke my arm, I was still too sick on meds to go to Jonathan's high school graduation, so I stayed at home. And a college age (at the time, but she's older now, and married) family friend came over and she just hung out with me and talked so I wouldn't feel lonesome. Of course I'll always remember that 'cause it meant a lot to me. So, maybe I can make a difference in this two-year-old's life 'cause I'll play with her. :) Besides, tomorrow brings me one day closer to my interview!! I'm excited. Not so much nervous, just excited. I think the closer it gets, the more my excitement will dwindle to nerves. Especially since my mom won't come in with me... I'll have to face it all by myself. (I can't remember if I mentioned that in my last post?)

Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Stay in the sunlight. --Benjamin Franklin

April 25, 2009

sleepless long nights

I'm curled up on my bedroom floor. My hair is wet, I got out of the shower a little while ago. I love Saturday nights. Usually on Saturday nights I waste the time drinking cocoa, watching old TV shows with my mom and debating between which dress to wear to church the next day. (By the way, tomorrow I'm wearing my black dress with white polka dots, in case you were wondering. I was going to wear the purple one but it has a spot on it, phooey.)

The Conrad Mansion called me today. I'm going in for an interview on Thursday! I'm so so nervous, I have no idea what to wear and I will rehearse what I say all week long. :) But this is a good sign, since they never did get my application--I just walked in and handed them my resume (on which I listed "winning smile" as one of my qualifications, at my dad's suggestion) and said, "Hi, I'm Nicole. I want to work here."

I danced for almost an hour today :) I love my workout dvds. They make it so much easier, I don't have to actually learn anything. I can just jump around and look like an idiot and no one cares (thankfully, our TV room door has a lock, muahahahahahahahahahaha *cackle*).

I played piano soo much. My piano is my constant friend, and I never feel quite as home as when I am tickling the ivories. Guess where I got that phrase? Off an Agatha Christie 3-D murder computer game! One of the Poirot ones. Jason gave it to me for Christmas. It's called Evil Under the Sun. I think I solved it but I can't remember who commited the crime or what the crime even was, in fact I think the culprit was different depending on the way you played. I just don't know. Anyway.... I constantly play songs I've memorized and songs for fun, songs I can sing and songs I can't. Nothing soothes troubled and wearied spirits like running your fingers over glossy white keys. Someday, I'm going to have a grand piano of my very own and I don't care if it's the only piece of furniture I ever own! Although second on my list is a big, huge harp.

My mom might take me shopping later this week... to TJMaxx and Target, and possibly Maurices (we have to look there to see if the shirt that I want is on clearance. Size small if you happen to see it--it's a black V-neck. I'll pay you back). There's a dress I need to look for there too. I don't remember if it's cute or not so I need to look again.I honestly don't think I've ever bought anything at TJMaxx before....? Maybe I got my silver sparkly purse there. *shrug* who knows.

Who knows what could happen?
Do what you do, just keep on laughin'
One thing's sure, there's always a brand new day
So you go, and make it happen
Do your best, just keep on laughin'
I'm telling you there's always a brand new day
I'm gonna live today like it's my last day.
--Avril Lavigne, "Who Knows"

April 24, 2009

Tell me that you love me more

Watching the Jungle Book performance today almost broke my heart. It brought back so many memories of my first play, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was boring for the first few weeks--and auditions, as I recall, were FREEZING cold. I didn't take off my coat for the whole two, or even three hours.

Doing the Merry Makers was fine--but I realized I am pretty much the only sixteen-year-old girl that does those plays. So after the Merry Makers I thought, I don't think I'll do them anymore. But watching the Jungle Book made me so sad. I remembered every fun memory I had of Narnia, and I felt the sting as I watched them bow and I remembered how full one's heart feels at the curtain call. *sigh*

I'm hopeless, I know.

Plays aren't much. I never hope to act for a living or anything huge like that. It's just something I do for fun. I miss Narnia... and I miss being fourteen. Actually I guess I was fifteen, since we started Narnia in January. But it was so easy! And I remember I made my mom add an extra button to my Mrs. Macready costume because I didn't want anyone to see my knees :) ahh, I am such a silly girl.

I just re-read my last paragraph and I realized that I said it was so easy. I can't figure out why I said that or what I meant to say instead. I'm listening to Jonathan Park right now so I'm a little distracted. Of course he's saving the day, like always.

And as far as high-maintenance friends, are they really worth it? Is the fun and pleasure worth the pain they can cause? Oh, don't ask me. You know I don't know.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. --Shakespeare

April 23, 2009


I've been in 32 concerts. 32! I didn't even count festivals, voice recitals, and other random performances. It makes you think, "wow, she must not have anything better to do." Really, I do. My 33rd concert is coming up on Tuesday... concerts are just an everyday thing to me. I even endure the outfits--just because I love to sing.
What am I if I can't burst forth in rapturous melody?

So what will I do when I can't sing anymore? What will I do when suddenly I can't hit an A full voice anymore? My heart will break, my world will shatter. (be right back, my hair is wet, and I'm cold. So I'm going to go get a cup of chai)

(back while I'm waiting for the water to boil)
I hate summer. I wish for it all year round because I hate being so cold all the time--but when it comes, I am miserable. I don't know why. I have this aversion to wearing shorts, so I wear long jeans. All summer long. Except when I'm swimming. It's horrible. :( It's like I'm afraid to let people see my legs... so many fears. *sigh*

Ooh! The water is hot. brb again.

I've decided that liking a boy who likes you too only adds to the stress and turmoil of things. All through junior high and even high school, until now anyway, I kept watching people... always my best friends would fall in love with a guy who loved them back. It was torture to watch. Until it happened to me, and now it's torture to go through. So SO much easier to just be friends. Of course I would never admit that to the people that tried to tell me that before it happened to me. :P

Well, thanks for reading my thoughts. Usually when I blog I try to have a purpose but today I let the purpose go, hence all the subject changes. My mind flits from thought to thought like a carefree butterfly, and sometimes I like to work backwards and see how I got from where I was to where I am.

Keep smiling! It makes people wonder what you're up to.