April 26, 2009

that was what my youth was for

*yawn* it's a sleepy Sunday afternoon. After church I put on jeans and a brown roxy hoodie (speaking of church, I washed the spot off my purple dress so I wore that one. I'll wear the black and white one next week) and it reminded me of city brew. That was a good feeling, but it made me miss my brother. He took me to city brew every Thursday night during my sixth grade year... 'cause I wasn't old enough to go to youth group and it was boring at home, since my parents go out for dinner every Thursday night. They've done that ever since I can remember. Thursday night = parents date night.

I just got back from a walk and my fingers are so cold it's hard to type. But I love the feeling of walking down an empty road, with nobody watching you but God and a handful of cows, wind in your hair and dust on your jeans, just listening to music and pouring out your thoughts--being totally honest and open. I love it. I brought back a little yellow wildflower for my journal. I always chew a piece of gum when I go on a walk to keep my mouth from getting dry and today it was watermelon. Still have it. :) The neighbor has two calves, a brown and a black one. The brown one is cuter and he watched me all the way to the cross roads. God is so cool, He makes weird animals like cows! Seriously. They are so odd. I bet they think the same thing about me (or at least they would if they weren't so dumb).

Tomorrow I'll be in town all day long. We have to go to the Buckners after piano lessons for my mom to teach preschool to Hannah and Jessica, and I promised Maraeah I'd play with her. Not my favorite thing to do... but I don't mind. When I was a little kid my favorite people were the ones that spent time with me--doing my hair, playing games... when I broke my arm, I was still too sick on meds to go to Jonathan's high school graduation, so I stayed at home. And a college age (at the time, but she's older now, and married) family friend came over and she just hung out with me and talked so I wouldn't feel lonesome. Of course I'll always remember that 'cause it meant a lot to me. So, maybe I can make a difference in this two-year-old's life 'cause I'll play with her. :) Besides, tomorrow brings me one day closer to my interview!! I'm excited. Not so much nervous, just excited. I think the closer it gets, the more my excitement will dwindle to nerves. Especially since my mom won't come in with me... I'll have to face it all by myself. (I can't remember if I mentioned that in my last post?)

Do not anticipate trouble or worry about what may never happen. Stay in the sunlight. --Benjamin Franklin

April 25, 2009

sleepless long nights

I'm curled up on my bedroom floor. My hair is wet, I got out of the shower a little while ago. I love Saturday nights. Usually on Saturday nights I waste the time drinking cocoa, watching old TV shows with my mom and debating between which dress to wear to church the next day. (By the way, tomorrow I'm wearing my black dress with white polka dots, in case you were wondering. I was going to wear the purple one but it has a spot on it, phooey.)

The Conrad Mansion called me today. I'm going in for an interview on Thursday! I'm so so nervous, I have no idea what to wear and I will rehearse what I say all week long. :) But this is a good sign, since they never did get my application--I just walked in and handed them my resume (on which I listed "winning smile" as one of my qualifications, at my dad's suggestion) and said, "Hi, I'm Nicole. I want to work here."

I danced for almost an hour today :) I love my workout dvds. They make it so much easier, I don't have to actually learn anything. I can just jump around and look like an idiot and no one cares (thankfully, our TV room door has a lock, muahahahahahahahahahaha *cackle*).

I played piano soo much. My piano is my constant friend, and I never feel quite as home as when I am tickling the ivories. Guess where I got that phrase? Off an Agatha Christie 3-D murder computer game! One of the Poirot ones. Jason gave it to me for Christmas. It's called Evil Under the Sun. I think I solved it but I can't remember who commited the crime or what the crime even was, in fact I think the culprit was different depending on the way you played. I just don't know. Anyway.... I constantly play songs I've memorized and songs for fun, songs I can sing and songs I can't. Nothing soothes troubled and wearied spirits like running your fingers over glossy white keys. Someday, I'm going to have a grand piano of my very own and I don't care if it's the only piece of furniture I ever own! Although second on my list is a big, huge harp.

My mom might take me shopping later this week... to TJMaxx and Target, and possibly Maurices (we have to look there to see if the shirt that I want is on clearance. Size small if you happen to see it--it's a black V-neck. I'll pay you back). There's a dress I need to look for there too. I don't remember if it's cute or not so I need to look again.I honestly don't think I've ever bought anything at TJMaxx before....? Maybe I got my silver sparkly purse there. *shrug* who knows.

Who knows what could happen?
Do what you do, just keep on laughin'
One thing's sure, there's always a brand new day
So you go, and make it happen
Do your best, just keep on laughin'
I'm telling you there's always a brand new day
I'm gonna live today like it's my last day.
--Avril Lavigne, "Who Knows"

April 24, 2009

Tell me that you love me more

Watching the Jungle Book performance today almost broke my heart. It brought back so many memories of my first play, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. It was boring for the first few weeks--and auditions, as I recall, were FREEZING cold. I didn't take off my coat for the whole two, or even three hours.

Doing the Merry Makers was fine--but I realized I am pretty much the only sixteen-year-old girl that does those plays. So after the Merry Makers I thought, I don't think I'll do them anymore. But watching the Jungle Book made me so sad. I remembered every fun memory I had of Narnia, and I felt the sting as I watched them bow and I remembered how full one's heart feels at the curtain call. *sigh*

I'm hopeless, I know.

Plays aren't much. I never hope to act for a living or anything huge like that. It's just something I do for fun. I miss Narnia... and I miss being fourteen. Actually I guess I was fifteen, since we started Narnia in January. But it was so easy! And I remember I made my mom add an extra button to my Mrs. Macready costume because I didn't want anyone to see my knees :) ahh, I am such a silly girl.

I just re-read my last paragraph and I realized that I said it was so easy. I can't figure out why I said that or what I meant to say instead. I'm listening to Jonathan Park right now so I'm a little distracted. Of course he's saving the day, like always.

And as far as high-maintenance friends, are they really worth it? Is the fun and pleasure worth the pain they can cause? Oh, don't ask me. You know I don't know.

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit. --Shakespeare

April 23, 2009


I've been in 32 concerts. 32! I didn't even count festivals, voice recitals, and other random performances. It makes you think, "wow, she must not have anything better to do." Really, I do. My 33rd concert is coming up on Tuesday... concerts are just an everyday thing to me. I even endure the outfits--just because I love to sing.
What am I if I can't burst forth in rapturous melody?

So what will I do when I can't sing anymore? What will I do when suddenly I can't hit an A full voice anymore? My heart will break, my world will shatter. (be right back, my hair is wet, and I'm cold. So I'm going to go get a cup of chai)

(back while I'm waiting for the water to boil)
I hate summer. I wish for it all year round because I hate being so cold all the time--but when it comes, I am miserable. I don't know why. I have this aversion to wearing shorts, so I wear long jeans. All summer long. Except when I'm swimming. It's horrible. :( It's like I'm afraid to let people see my legs... so many fears. *sigh*

Ooh! The water is hot. brb again.

I've decided that liking a boy who likes you too only adds to the stress and turmoil of things. All through junior high and even high school, until now anyway, I kept watching people... always my best friends would fall in love with a guy who loved them back. It was torture to watch. Until it happened to me, and now it's torture to go through. So SO much easier to just be friends. Of course I would never admit that to the people that tried to tell me that before it happened to me. :P

Well, thanks for reading my thoughts. Usually when I blog I try to have a purpose but today I let the purpose go, hence all the subject changes. My mind flits from thought to thought like a carefree butterfly, and sometimes I like to work backwards and see how I got from where I was to where I am.

Keep smiling! It makes people wonder what you're up to.