May 26, 2009

sweetheart, bitter heart

I didn't get the job at the Mansion. I'm not ashamed to say I hung up the phone and ran to my mom and just cried... that job was so perfect for me and I was so sure I would get it. At least, until they didn't call and didn't call and I started to get the inkling I wasn't hired. And I'm not. So, tomorrow, my mom and I are going to drive around a little bit and apply at a few places. We'll see what happens, yes? If I don't get a job there is always camp (which I love, it's just that it doesn't pay. hahaha), but I already applied for their two-week session of junior counselor training. The application was so intense it took me an hour and twenty minutes to fill out, even with my mom's help. All kinds of questions about what I believe and having to back it up with Bible verses. I remember one of the hardest ones was about speaking in tongues... but that kind of thing is so good for me to practice.

We planted potatoes today--about ten or twelve rows, at least a hundred feet each! Our garden is ginormous. I am not really a gardening girl, but it will be fun to produce our own food from seeds. (My mom got me a dwarf orange tree and I'm anxious to see what comes from that.) Actually we have two gardens, and my mom and I planted some Yukon Gold potatoes in the smaller garden (the same one with the raspberries and strawberries) and red potatoes in the bigger garden. I don't even like potatoes. (ok so I exaggerate, I like potatoes but I never crave them or anything.)

On Thursday I will hopefully go see Night at the Museum 2 with Brooke. It will be the first time we have really, truly hung out in way over a year. I'm wondering how it will go.. will it be fun? Awkward? Just plain weird? We were supposed to go today but she had to work. I had my outfit planned and everything =[

I have been in this weird confused rut of depressed-ness lately. I don't like it at all... it makes me kinda mope around and not get anything done (except clean the kitchen, that's the easy part of life I've realized). It may help to figure out if I am supposed to get a job or not. We'll see what God says. I asked Him about it today.

I really want some Nicole brand nail polish. I saw it at Wal-Mart last time I was there and I thought, I have to have some of that!! Even though it's pretty expensive (seven bucks), they even spelled it right. I gotta get some Nicole brand. hehehe that is so fun to say.
"What kind of nail polish do you use?"
"Nicole."
actually I really like Claire's too--but I wish they had some darker colors instead of just neons. Oh well. NYC is also good. Not like ANY of this matters.

My strongest trait is curiosity. --Bono

May 18, 2009

oh, you know who you are

I'm soaking up this sunshine!! Today I mowed the lawn for my parents. I'm debating taking a shower but we are going to plant some raspberries and strawberries after dinner... which would just make me all dirty again... so a shower would be pointless but then again I will feel nasty until dinner. Which to do?

The Mansion STILL hasn't called me, even though two weeks ago Margo told me it would be sometime next week, which was really last week. Should I call again? I feel like a pest, but sometimes it's the one who follows up that gets the job. I'll wait until tomorrow. (I know for a fact they work on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays--yeah, I'm sneaky AND observant!) Although now that I think about it, they should be open for tours. So maybe they are just busy.

On Sunday I had my piano recital and I got to wear new black pants from the Maurice's in Missoula! I played Sonata in 3 movements by Mozart. What a genius! I'm so glad that there were so many composers in the world that wrote such amazing music, cuz without them I would have to write my own music for recitals! haha, wouldn't THAT be stressful...

Speaking of music, while I was mowing the lawn I was thinking about it and life is kind of like writing a song. It's almost never easy, but when it is you really appreciate it. And even when it's hard you can look back and say, "wow, I learned a lot from that... it was actually fun!" And other people can learn from what you have done, to make their own music better by (in a sense) copying your expertise and theory. And you have something beautiful to share with someone else in the end. ahh, I'm feeling poetic. Can you tell? =]

I can't BELIEVE we have to have a huge garden. I'm not looking forward to it at all. One thing I can't stand is dirt under my fingernails... Now don't call me a sissy 'cause I could dig in the dirt for hours and make mud pies and throw them and all that fun stuff. I just hate dirt under my fingernails. I suppose it will be a summer of short nails.

I feel almost already sunburned. ahh =] I love the summer sunshine... by August I will be a lovely toasted shade of brown, and my hair will be a pleasant white-blonde. I'll have a swimsuit tan, of course. And my eyes will sparkle at the memories of summer fun.. this summer needs to be awesome enough to make up for last summer too!

Now, I shall go outside and read Robinson Crusoe... and when I'm done with that, I'll read A Tale of Two Cities! I have absolutely nowhere to go today and I love it.

Love puts the FUN in together, the SAD in apart, and the JOY in a heart. --unknown ♥

May 7, 2009

oh, you're changing your heart

I called the Conrad Mansion today before I lost my nerve :) I talked to Margo, I think she is the one who is there on Thursdays. She told me they hadn't made a decision yet (I was disappointed, but it's better than being told I didn't get the job) and that they had a few more people they needed to talk to, and then they would know by sometime next week. I'm on pins and needles, but I can feel the prick a little longer. It's ok, it's worth the wait.

It's a nice day! Maybe not "nice" by other people's definitions but it feels "nice" to me. It feels fresh, like you could walk outside and take an endless breath of air... cool and refreshing. (Not that I've been outside yet, for heaven's sakes I'm still in my jammies.)

Today I was listening to a CD I'm borrowing from Nik (while I was making cookies for Bible study) and I found a song that was soooo pretty... The CD is called Mother Earth by Within Temptation and the song is "In Perfect Harmony." Here are the lyrics. (and here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLbA49GTM3k

In a world so far away
At the end of a closing day
A little child was born and raised
Deep in the forest on a hidden place
Mother never saw his face

Ancient spirits of the forest
Made him king of elves and trees
He was the only human being who lived in harmony
In perfect harmony

The woods protected, fulfilled his needs
Fruit by birds, honey by bees
He found shelter under the trees
He grew up in their company
They became his family

Ancient spirits of the forest
Made him king of elves and trees
He was the only human being who lived in harmony
In perfect harmony

A thousand seasons
They passed him by
So many times, have said goodbye
And when the spirits called out his name
To join forever, forever to stay
A forest spirit he became

Ancient spirits of the forest
Made him king of elves and trees
He was the only human being who lived in harmony
In perfect harmony

May 6, 2009

but they want some more

Your life plays out on the shadows of the wall
You turn the light on to erase it all
Wonder what it's like to not feel worthless
So open all the doors and all the curtains.
--No One by Aly and AJ

Today is definitely not a good hair day. Or makeup day. Or clothes day. It's a good day for extremes, a good day to work out until you want to collapse. In fact, I think I'll do that. I have nowhere to go today and nobody to see, I might as well get skinny while I'm going nowhere and seeing nobody.

Tomorrow is youth group, I'm excited. If the weather is nice we will go down to the lake and have Bible study there... with a bonfire. Sounds perfect to me =] Maybe complete with marshmallows? ooh, even better! (I remember arguing to no end with Heidi about the spelling of the word marshmallow. I am still right, as always.)

I don't know why I have been so grumpy lately. Sometimes I'm talking to my mom and something really rude and disrespectful pops out of my mouth, and I think, wow, did I just say that?! Then I get even angrier at myself and it just snowballs and gets worse and worse.

I was trying to think of a "Five Things I Hate That Everybody Else Seems to Like"... I thought of my first one. Here it is: 1) People who take pictures of themselves. Don't know why but that really bothers me. It just seems so vain. For pete's sake if you need a picture grab a nearby someone! It's easy! =P

I learned a lot on Elite Syncopations today. I'm trying to beat that guy on YouTube... he learned in 14 days and I'm going to learn it in 10. Think I can do it?? Yeah, probably not. But it's worth a shot, hey?

My next driving lesson is approaching fast with every second that passes. Today I have to learn to turn into the driveway--I'm going to apologize in advance to the dumpster. I hope the neighbors keep their dog inside today... I'm not familiar enough with the brakes to save a dog's life.

Do you know why there are so many blonde jokes?
Because the brunettes have nothing better
to do while all the blondes are out on dates.

May 5, 2009

Left you with nothing

Sometimes you go somewhere, and you expect things to be exactly what they were... but they are never as they were. Things are constantly changing, people are constantly changing. It's hard enough to keep up with it all, much less pretend it's like it used to be. A past life. A dream. A premonition.

When I get hurt, I like to go to my piano, and play for as long as I can (which is usually until Dad goes to bed, and then I migrate to the keyboard upstairs) and play until I don't think I can get any better. It's my way of talking to the world... "I'll show you. I AM good at something, I am worth something." Today my song of choice was "Elite Syncopations" by Scott Joplin. He is so totally my hero. The next song by him that I will work on is Maple Leaf Rag... I suppose it's pretty popular but I don't remember ever hearing it. I'm listening to it on YouTube right now. Here's the link to Elite Syncopations: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CF-mBeT_ZaQ

I have a rock in my stomach. Maybe I'm hungry. But I choose to ignore it, I am stronger than myself! I had my first driving lesson today... I was so so scared. I like to learn a little bit at a time. So I'm going to learn a little more tomorrow. But I always feel so scared... and then I feel really stupid for feeling scared because I'm sure none of my OTHER friends (that have been driving since they were 13) get scared. I am such a small person... Easily intimidated. I can sing in front of a hundred people. But I can't drive a car.

May 3, 2009

Oh, teenage hopes are alive at your door


I am soooo soooo tired! Today I went to junior-senior bowling in Bigfork, and I wore my civil war ball gown. It was fun walking in, and seeing everyone glance at me, do a double take, then try their hardest not to look anymore :) The guy at the counter asked me if I was really going to bowl in "that" and I said "of course I am!" He told me, "alright, rock and roll."

I haven't heard from the Conrad Mansion yet. I feel like my job interview went really well. They marked high numbers on their papers anyway! I found out my piano recital is on the seventeenth. After that I can definitely relax with music... since I'm performing both piano and choir at the convention the same weekend. I can't wait. OH how I can't wait!

A bunch of people went to the Dairy Queen in Kalispell after bowling... I kind of wanted to, but I decided, you know, it's not really worth it. I was just there yesterday--and they'll close soon too (the reason nobody went to the DQ in Bigfork was because it was already closed). I'm so happy that I'm learning lessons like that. I'm not trying to convince myself that "this time it will be different, this time people will talk to me and I'll have fun, this time it will be different." I just trust myself. If it feels like it won't be worth it, it probably won't be worth it. So I skip it.

Becki loaned me a book called Flabbergasted. It's by Ray Blackston. So far, I really like it--he uses cool writing styles, such as this: "Tuesday evening while grilling chicken on my deck, I was thinking of brass plates and women, of women and brass plates, and wondered if contributing to that plate would hurry God up as far as meeting the right one. I flipped the chicken over, sprinkled it with lemon pepper, and thought maybe dropping two twenties in the plate would help me meet her this year, or a hundred bucks and we'd meet within a month, or five hundred and the person would arrive in warp speed, like Spock to Captain Kirk."
At the beginning of the chapter the author quoted Woody Allen: "ninety percent of life is just showing up." I had to pause on that thought for a minute while I read--it's true, isn't it? You don't really determine how much "happens" to you. You just go where you're supposed to and wait for it to come to you.

Tomorrow I have a piano lesson--BUT I get to come home in between that and BSF. Ahhhh the bliss and luxury of not having to stay in town. Now, if I only knew what to wear...

"And then, we saw a fifth leg sticking out of the fat mother cow..." --Josh Daley while describing a calf's birth