October 16, 2009

I have to go, I have to go

I just made a list of 27 Ambitions--things I want to accomplish between now and when I'm dead. The list is actually very funny to read (you don't get to read it, haha, only I do!), with everything from "sponsor a child" to "make a CD" to "throw a message in a bottle out to sea" to (don't laugh) "learn to do a cartwheel." Because I was just reading Do Hard Things this morning, for Bible, and I thought, I'm going to write down ten hard things I want to do. So after I did this, I realized that I had a similar list in one of my other journals, so I found that list and then I compiled them into a document on my computer. And I was reading about one of the girls in Do Hard Things that wasn't pushing herself, because it was so easy to slip by with the expectations everyone else was pinning on her. And I realized I'm in the same boat as her, in a way. I doubt anybody really EXPECTS me to finish a musical, right? Except maybe Jonathan, because if I don't he's out a whole pack or two of stickers. But, like, I'm not even sure I expect it of myself. Which is where I need to start. Then again, it's one thing to blog about writing a musical, and it's another entirely to sit down and grit your teeth and git 'er done.

Well, I just realized I have SO much I want to do--and no reason why I'm not doing it!! I don't get myself sometimes. Or even like all the time. I'm a pretty confusing individual. So, I'm going to start working on those 27 things--TODAY--and I might even come up with one or two more. I never ever want to run out of hard things on my list. I never want to run out of goals. I want to pursue excellence, not excuses. =]

On a less deep and inspiring note, I need new sweat pants. My pink ones are stained from that time I made cookies and dropped a stick of butter (and caught it with my leg), and my grey ones have holes down by the ankle... (sigh)

I start voice lessons tomorrow!! I'm excited because that's another hard thing I can work at, and hopefully excel. Especially if she wants me to do those breathing exercises with that twenty pound weight on my stomach like she wanted me to do every morning last year... but I only did it once or twice a week. See? I'm confusing.

Okay, I gotta get back to school now. I just wanted to write down my thoughts... I would have journaled them but it would have taken even longer! So, here I go. Ambition #1: Finish my musical and perform it....

October 7, 2009

beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth

well it's the end to a normal day. I never want to have normal days. They are so boring and unexciting and LONELY! In a few minutes I'm going to bed, and when I wake up my day is going to be everything I want it to be because I'm going to have the right attitude. I'm going to start writing in my journal more, and spending less time on facebook. I'm going to write more music and text less. I'm going to work harder to become everything I dreamed... in the book Do Hard Things, it says, "We will all become the men and women we strive (or don't strive) to be." And right now I'm not striving... but that's going to change. In my Bible notebook I wrote down the Five Kinds of Hard and I made a goal to try and do something hard every day... whether it be finishing my school on time to doing the dishes right after dinner (even though I hate doing that). It's time I started making some good habits and self-disciplining myself.

I talked to my mom on the phone tonight. She and dad are having fun at Deer Lodge... they went on a hike, today, she said. She also said that when she comes home we will go shopping in Missoula for some dresses! I need new dresses for my senior recital and for banquet. I'm so excited. Maybe I can find a decent pair of skinny jeans down there!

Today I watched The Devil Wears Prada and I really liked it. I'm not sure why. Maybe I could identify with Andie's longing to fit in and make it and want to be wanted. Then again, maybe I just liked all the nice shoes and outfits throughout the movie :)

I think when I look at myself I see something different from what everyone else sees. Where everyone else sees a bubbly, make-em-laugh kinda girl, I see a fool who will do anything for attention. Where everyone else sees a gorgeous smile, I see a hideous nose. Where everyone else sees a slender, well-proportioned person, I see a fat, ugly one. But which of us is right? hmm. Then I can never tell if that's the way I really feel or if I'm just sorry for myself because I'm not my idea of prettier. This topic is deep. I could go on forever.

But I'm going to go write in my journal. If I come up with anything good, I'll let you know.

I was kidnapped by handsome bronze-chested pirate men. --Olivia Witt