September 21, 2011

my car fell in love.

Today when I drove to the bank, I parked my poor old Sarah next to a beat-up Ford. When I came out of the bank, I'm sure she had inched closer and there were little love-bubbles floating from her engine up to the sky.

My car fell in love.

And that's when it occurred to me that I need out of this town.

Not forever. Just a little while. Just long enough to experience a town that's never heard of Nicole Creighton, who grew up here, oh and  hasn't she been taking piano from the same person forever? Oh, that's the girl that's almost nineteen. She still lives at home and teaches music to kids she's known since they were born.

Oh, that girl. 

I want to know what it's like to follow my instincts. Maybe one day I will be driving home and I just won't stop. (But not with Sarah. She's a homebody and I know better.)

I want to know what it's like to explore a town I wasn't born in, and I want to experience homesickness. I want to name my own dog and write a blog post from my own cute little apartment.

I guess I just want to live a little?

This was going to be a poem, because poetry seems unavoidable for me lately, but I thought I'd just write. It turned out a little too nonfictional to be a poem, so I'm leaving as-is. But just know...

I have a thirst.

September 18, 2011

You Are Not Safe

Now that I'm here, staring it in the face,
I'm not sure I want You to use me in such a big way.
I know everyone gets scared
But I'm not ready to represent You, I'm not ready.

I can talk a lot of senseless words if You want
I can sing and raise my hands, immersed in You
But when it comes to really getting down to it,
I don't want to be transparent, 
I don't want to be see-through.

I have it all together, don't I?
It's impossible to loosen my good grip.
But with Your hands, Your beautiful hands
That wrote my name with Your blood,
You pry back my fingers to reveal my ugly.
The black parts of me that I don't want anyone to know.

I am a good girl, I tell myself.
I live my life staying away from bad stuff. It's safe.
But what I forgot when I gave You control,
Is that You are not safe. 
You are beginning to scratch away my layers and I am not ready, I am not ready.
I know that everyone gets scared,
But I'm not ready to represent You,
I'm not ready to surrender.
I'm not sure I want You to use me in such a big way.
Isn't there an opportunity...smaller?
Isn't there an alternative to being broken?

..I don't want to be transparent,
I don't want to be see-through.

September 17, 2011

i have nothing to say...

so here's a picture of my significant otter.

September 15, 2011

Awkward and Awesome Thursday

-having a 3-hour break with nothing to do but homework. seriously, who wants to do THAT?!
-hearing the girls at the table behind me gossip about a third girl's pregnancy. "A miscarriage really would be the best thing for her."
-wanting to stay in bed on my busiest day of the week (3 classes and 5+ hours at work).
-swearing speech teacher (origins of slang? really?)
-people expectantly standing before you and saying "table for two, please" as you blink and zone out.
-finding out when you call ahead to say you're gonna be late that the owner is there...

-speaking a tiny bit of ASL to someone who is not in my class!
-being the first one to my speech class and having time to collect my thoughts.
-hot chocolate with whipped cream and a shot of peppermint.
-me and Julio down by the schoolyard.
-4 days until Talk Like a Pirate Day!

September 14, 2011

What's Going On...

I wonder if I can slow down long enough to make sense of my crazy life for a moment!

Last night was my first time teaching choir. It was great fun and so far, I have a boistrous group of 10: 9 girls and 1 boy. They are all aged 5-7. We will be singing four songs by ourselves and three with the rest of the choirs. Be sure to mark your calendars for the homeschool choir concert on Tuesday, November 29th.

I got a score of a 94 on my first speech: it was a how-to speech, and I chose how to do a Newsprint Manicure. There were diverse topics chosen in my class, with everything from how to train your puppy to how to make a paper airplane to how to get a job to how to wrap a present! I did feel like my speech went well, and I had a built-in visual aid! Jenae accompanied me because she had nothing to do and I needed a model, so I promised her a free mani. My next speech is an informative and I think I will give it on the music of Hawaii, since I already know a lot about that--thanks to my world music midterm last year.

I'm still working about 20 hours a week. I work on Thursday nights, Fridays, and Saturday afternoons (specifically 10:30-2:30). Stop in if you ever feel like it. If I'm allowed to say so, I'm really glad we're back to our non-summer hours. I enjoy getting home before 11 PM :) and I'm almost done with my Rserving class (it's a responsible alcohol serving class I need to take to keep my job. I'm doing it online and I have 2 lessons and my final exam left. I'm hoping to finish the class today actually (if I ever get off facebook;).

My first French quiz is tomorrow! :S I feel like I am doing well in all my classes, but French especially... For those I haven't bragged to, I'm taking 20 credits this semester. They consist of the following: American Literature, Intro to ASL, Elementary French I, Beginning Guitar, Public Speaking, MS Excel (online. I hate this one.), private voice and private piano. My mom suggested I find out if I could a credit or two for being in the Christian Center Christmas musical but I decided I can't cough up the money to pay to get them as credits. The free tuition waiver only works for 14-18 credits plus fees, so even though my "tuition was free" (quote-unquote), I still ended up paying close to a thousand dollars between books, fees, and whatever else. Hopefully in the spring I will be able to take closer to eighteen and it will be a little cheaper for me - plus I won't be saving like crazy for the London trip over spring break!

I'm also getting ready for a small piano recital next week at the hospital. I'll be playing four or five songs, just for some closure before I start new ones. It's gonna be right in the lobby at 4 PM on Saturday, September 24th if you'd care to come.

I found a photo of the boy/kid version of me right now. Am I crazy?! (The short answer is probably yes...) But I'm really enjoying my life:)

What's going on with you right now??

September 12, 2011

Why I Won't Marry You.

It's really very silly; I love you too much.

I don't want you to know what size my jeans really are, or how much brown sugar I put on my oatmeal.

I don't want you to hear my sleepy-seal giggle when I get tired.

I don't want you to see how messy my room and bathroom actually get when my life gets going, or what my hair looks like when I go a day without washing it.

I don't want you to realize how many bad habits I have.

I don't want you to know that I can go weeks and months without praying or cracking open my Bible.

I don't want you to see me cry when something sends me over the edge - like burnt toast after a really hard week. 

I just don't want you to see me that way... I just don't want you to stop loving me.

I want things to stay the way they are. 

September 10, 2011

up and up

these lyrics are blessing my heart lately. I hope they do the same for you. 

yesterday is not quite what it could have been,
as were most of all the days before.
but i swear today, with every breath i'm breathing in
i'll be trying to make it so much more.

'cause it seems i get so hung up on 
the history of what's gone wrong. 
and the hope of a new day is sometimes hard to see,
but i'm finally catching onto it
yeah the past  is just a conduit.
and the light there at the end is where i'll be

'cause i'm on the up and up,
i'm on the up and up
and i haven't given up,
given up on what i know i'm capable of
'cause i'm on the up and up,
yeah there's nothing left to prove.
'cause i'm just trying to be a better version of me for you
a better version of me for you.

to be prosperous would not require much of me
you see, contentment is the one thing it entails.
to be content with where i am, and getting where i need to be
i'm moving past the past where i have failed!

but i'm finally catching onto it
yeah, the past is just a conduit
and right there at the end is where i'll be

'cause i'm on the up and up,
i'm on the up and up.
and i haven't given up,
given up on what i've gained from love
'cause i'm on the up and up,
yeah there's nothing left to prove.
'cause i'm just trying to be a better version of me for you,
a better version of me for you.

you never cease to supply me
with what i need for a good life
so when i'm down, i'll hold my head up high
'cause you're the reason why i'm on the up and up

~Relient K 

September 8, 2011

Awkward and Awesome Thursday

-Not having hot water this morning! Brrrr!
-Watching a fat man imitate a seal on 22 Words (I'm not sure if the fact that I watched it is more awkward, or if it's the fact that I found it absolutely hilarious and watched it over again. More than once.)
-The fact that I haven't updated my blog pretty much all summer. 
-Watching a man chase his toddler all the way outside. A parent should never have to chase their kid.. (says the one who isn't a parent. ha.) 
-Not really having any homework.

- Russell buying me a steak ^_^
- Study buddy plans. 
- Lizzy telling Aletha that she remembers [Auntie Nicole], very loves her, and chooses her to be her friend. 
- Closing at eight instead of nine. <3 
- Having a really, really good day.