December 8, 2012

Right Now I Love...

Soy conditioner

Christmas music

The large assortment of throw pillows at Target that match my bedroom decor

Vintage books


Colbie Caillat's Christmas in the Sand CD

the snow! (this year I actually love it)

fuzzy pajama pants

English Breakfast Tea

feeling skinny

eating clean

Captivating (every human on earth should read this)


and many, many other things. Merry Christmas. :)

November 19, 2012


Sometimes when I am home alone, I don't close the door while I pee.

My socks never match unless I am working, and that is because all my work socks are black. So even if they don't match, they match.

I really like dyeing my hair.

I made a secret board on pinterest so I can pin a bunch of things people probably wouldn't approve of.

"All the bands I like, you've heard of, and I watch too much TV." - Marian Call

I probably care way too much about some things, and way too little about others.

I want to get a tattoo. Yes, really really.

I rely on my heart more than my brain and it gets me into trouble.

November 4, 2012

Right Now I Love...

White chocolate peanut butter Americanos from Spill the Beans... and also this guy's tumblr: Daily Odd Compliment
He posts funny and great compliments like this one:

Annnndddd if you're totally a creeper like me, you can follow Daily Odd Compliments on Twitter here, or the creator, Logan Rhoades' Twitter here. 

Pretty fantastic.

In other news of my life, Jason gets to come back for Thanksgiving... and I probably have a few days off from school and teaching, which will be nice.

Yesterday, I only drank one cup of tea and it ended up being like the worst day ever. I won't make THAT mistake again!!

Also I think some great plans are taking shape for Christmas break... we'll see how that goes. Hopefully Baby Grape will be born and I can go snuggle the crap out of him. Not literally. He doesn't need my help for that, I'm assuming. 

5 days until Keurig. 

I gotta get ready for work. Have a great Sunday, everyone! 

October 31, 2012

Dear My Closest Friend

I remember when you asked me to stay and I just walked away. I apologize.
I'm writing because I miss you much.
Dear My Closest Friend.

The stillness still reminds me of when we first fell in love and I miss that so much.

October 29, 2012

Fighting My Hardest

Running is such a battle for me.

I remember the first time I went for a real "run" when I was a preteen. It was before my chubby years had hit me, and I still had running muscles because I played outside with my next door best friends everyday.

I couldn't figure out why I felt so good.

My mom explained to me that there are these things called "endorphins" that release little feel-good messages into your brain.

Well... I like to feel good.

When I got my membership to the Summit, I started running on the treadmills everytime I went. I loved having the high of running half a mile further than last week.

After a few times, though, I started noticing shooting pains in my legs once I stopped running. I couldn't do any of those "run-walk-run" programs (like the couch to 5K) because the second I stopped running, I was almost immobilized.

For awhile, I ignored it. I would just run as far as I could without stopping and suffer for an excruciating few moments when I decided to stop. I even made it inspirational, in a way. We're constantly being told "no pain no gain" and even Jillian Michaels drops a few "this is where the change happens, in the moments that hurt" lines.

Soon, I was not able to ignore it any longer. It would hurt for days after. It hurt to walk. It hurt to work.

So I did what probably most people would do: I quit.

Quitting is easy for me. I really like quitting.

But I HATE being a quitter.

There's this thing on my bucket list that says I want to run Bloomsday. That means I want to run the WHOLE thing. The entire 7.whatever miles. No stopping. Doomsday Hill and all. I want to freaking EARN that T-shirt.

So at the beginning of summer 2012, I knew I wanted to start doing something. So I committed to running. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday without fail. My first run was horrible. I only made it about half a mile and I wanted to die. My legs hurt. The next run was just as bad. I made myself go a little farther.

After a few weeks I could go a whole mile. Then came the dreadful hill. (Spoiler alert: I still can't make it all the way up the hill everytime.)

I fought everyday. I fought through pain and cold and bad weather and menstrual cramps and lack of sleep.
Every Friday I would reach the top of the hill and mentally celebrate because I didn't have to do it again until Monday.

Then one day my back felt weird. I kept running anyway. After all, it's the moments that hurt where change happens! That's what I kept on telling myself. About 2 miles in, it really started hurting. I kept going anyway. 3 miles. Then I stopped, expecting the pain to dissolve.

It didn't. It got worse.

I took a hot shower. Maybe it would help. It didn't. I went to work. I limped around like a three legged dog. I couldn't lift anything very heavy for weeks. I had to visit the chiropractor twice.

During those weeks I really missed running. I realized what a close friend it had become to me.

My back is better now. I still can't run 3 miles like I used to do, but I'm back to every other day. It hurts, and I hate it, and my lungs burn, and sometimes I can't tell if that's sweat dripping down my face or if it's tears. But that's what helps me remember I'm alive.

And I love fighting my hardest battle.

October 26, 2012

Some Emergency Compliments

... feel  better? ;) 

October 5, 2012

Just a Short Late-Night Task List

Lucy's chewing on my pajama pants strings right now....

I have a full night and an early morning ahead of me. Even if I don't have a voice lesson at 9:00, I still have to work at Sizzler at 10:30, which means getting up and getting ready and getting dressed and reading my Bible and chugging my spinach smoothie and not getting to snuggle with Lu :(

So tonight, I want to get all my songs for choir ready (that's Tuesday night), do a little Jillian Michaels yoga, take a shower, put up my hair, and.. whatever else. I'm really into showering before bed now. I can make a loose bun on top of my head with damp hair, sleep on it, and in the morning my curls will be PERFECT. Also, when it's cold like this, I have an aversion to morning showers because I don't normally blow dry my hair, I get sooo cold, goose bumps, frozen, ACK.

Next week I'm substitute teaching at JMA on Thursday again. That means I will teach the Thursday 3:45 & 4:45 classes, instead of just observing them, as well as my 3:45 & 4:45 classes on Friday... yikes! But I kept up on BSF this week, and I don't feel too overwhelmed and scared. (Lucy did somehow luck out and get away with not having a bath or her toenails clipped this week.)

I love stretching and growing. I love times in my life when I just throw up my hands in frustration with mascara and angry tears running down my face, and I just yell, "You know what?! I give up! I can't do this!" and then God is all like "Oh yes you caaaaaan" and then He imparts weird strength that I didn't think anyone could have. It's happened on several occasions in the last couple of years, and the results are just amazing. I can't wait to see what He's gonna do with me next.

October 2, 2012

Just a Bunch of "Someday" Thoughts.

Last night at BSF I got to volunteer in Level 2 of the children's program, with the third and fourth graders. (Incidentally, the same class my niece Jessica is in!) It was so much fun, and got me thinking about the long-ways-away future when I have children, and what I'd like to do with them and for them. Here's a few of my thoughts. Some could change, some may not happen... but for right now.

BSF... I love love love. I started going in the 6th grade and I'm still friends with most of the people I met in my class. I remember having so much fun learning the memory verse each week, and sitting in quiet reverence for the entire 20 or so minutes of the Bible lesson. And then last night, hearing their special answers to the questions... I wrote down a few.

Teacher: "What work has God given you to do in your home, school, church, or neighborhood?"
most of the children listed chores and homework, but my niece shared this unique answer: "to walk in His footsteps." Good grief, I love her.

Teacher: "What do you consider particularly interesting or challenging in this lesson that you have discovered for yourself through answering these questions?"
Niece: "He made man out of dust." (WHOA!)
Another girl: "The tree of life is Jesus." (WHOA AGAIN!)

I really want to homeschool my children if I have them. This is definitely a view I have that could change, but just think of all the cool learning we could do together. We could read and play outside and do math and learn about Jesus and snuggle ALL. DAY. LONG. Sounds great to me.

I think if they express to me a desire to learn music, they will not learn from me... it just seems like that's how it should be. Once my parents decided I could have piano lessons, I was so excited for the 30 minutes I got to spend at Jewel's house, and the coloring of the point thermometer, and the stickers and the monster cookies and yay!! I played for hours when I was a youngster.



maybe more to come... can't believe I'm thinking about this. *sigh* I'm so old.
Actually last night one of my clients told me that I'm an old soul.. which is weird because I think I'm turning 15 again this year.

September 27, 2012


I've been sick.
I've been teaching.
I've been sleeping.
I've been trying to be nice.
I've been reading my Bible.
I've been texting more than I should.
I've been cuddling my pup.
I've been blowing my nose.
I've been watching That Girl.
I've been waiting tables.
I've been Facebooking.
I made this goal page for my fitness journal. Here's what all the goals say:

To feel good, inside and out. To wear Buckle jeans. To run Bloomsday. To be a role model. To make good habits. To love my size. To be proud. To weigh what I told the DMV I weigh. To be brave and try new things. To do something about what I keep saying. To be tiny. To be respected. To be a runner. To make good choices. To knock their socks off. To inspire. To stay positive. To rely on God. To not give up. To feel good in my skin. To stop making excuses. To meet my goals. To suffer the pain of discipline. To not feel like "yuck". 

and of course, no blog post is complete without a picture of the adorable Lucy! she was so snuggly today... :)

September 17, 2012

A Lovely, Lazy (But Not Really) Day

September 13, 2012

My Day in a Rather Large Nutshell: I am Not Concise

Well, this morning I woke up at the ungodly hour of 6:30 AM.

I call it ungodly because it's impossible to have joy that early in the morning.

Anyways, I got to have coffee with my delightful friend Millie before my (hopefully last) chiropractor appointment. It was exciting to hear about what is happening in her life and to fill her in on some crazy details of my own.

After the chiropractor, who told me I should avoid vacuuming, mopping, sitting, standing, and basically everything I do all the time, I met another dear friend Stefanie for naked burritos at QDoba. it's kind of a tradition we have. She's moving to Wyoming and ohhhhh how greatly shall I miss her. We have promised to talk and text and be pen pals and facebook buddies all the time though.

It was a good day. I both laughed and cried.

On to the next one. 

EDIT: hey maybe I'm more concise than I thought...?

September 11, 2012

What's Going On?

Today was Lucy's first haircut. It took hours and resulted in 3 trips to town for me. She's certainly cute now though. I bought her a sweater in case she's cold over the next couple of weeks.

I also started piano lessons with Kirsten today. We're almost done with the Level 1 red books and excited to graduate to the Level 2A blue books. (I played through some of the songs this morning. They are so cute.)

... Would you like a breakdown of my schedule?
.... Because I just wrote it out, but then I realized probably nobody cares. And I'm off to sleep. These early mornings (and by early I mean I have to be somewhere by 9AM) are definitely getting the best of me.

September 6, 2012

too spazzy.


I drank entirely too much coffee today.

that song "Jolene Jolene Jolene JoLEEEEENE" is in my head. I heard it at Colter's earlier.

Tomorrow is my first class at Junior Music Academy. It starts at 3:45 but I'm sooo nervous I'll probably be at the Academy by 1:00.

I love playing piano this time of night. I think I got my passion back. I played a Beethoven Sonata and put Lucy to sleep.

BSF starts in a few days and I am So. Excited.

I love my cartilage piercing.

"I'm in love with God & God's in love with me, this is who I am & this is who I'll be & that settles it. Completely." <3 p="p">
My back needs to heal up fast, I miss running. :(

Can't wait to own a Keurig.

I have more private students this semester than I've ever had.

As much as I complain about Sizzler, it'll probably break my heart when I have to quit.

My Snoopy pajama pants are the fuzziest, warmest, most unflattering jammies ever and I love them.

Oh my soul, Lucy used to be SO small.

Now I think I shall be off to do something else... I'm soo nervous :S will let you know how it goes!!

August 30, 2012

Lucy Helps Me.

June 22, 2012

can we start this day over, please?

I'm not sure if it's the weather,

the fact that I've cleaned puppy pee off 4 surfaces today so far (and puppy poop off of 1),

I had no time to work out,

my workplace makes me tame my wild and wonderful curls,

my anger & frustration at  myself,

my frustration with the puppy who KNOWS to pee outside,

my guilt at feeling frustrated with the puppy because she's just a baby (is this a bad sign? I might not be a good parent.),

my okay-ness with being walked on,

my fear of my new job (even though it's 4 months away),

or maybe it's just... today?

I'm tired. I want to go back to bed and cuddle with the puppy and watch Scrubs and start over.

I'm useless. :/

June 14, 2012


Things are suddenly so different in the Creighton household.

We can't get anything done.

We can't leave anything on the floor.

We can't leave doors open to rooms we don't want explored.

This is my new puppy... Lucy :)

Lucy is a bichon/jackapoo.
My mom and I drove to Condon on Tuesday, June 12 (her 8-week birthday) to pick her up. We got to meet her fluff ball brother, her sweet mom, and her reallly nice breeder family. She cried a little on the way home, but mostly slept (I held her all the way, I didn't want to kennel her). When we got her home to our house she played for a little while, and cried for about 20 minutes when I put her to bed. She really is soo good. :)

Lucy likes to play with her already numerous collection of toys (I found the cutest tiny tennis balls with squeakers inside), to walk on the piano with close Nicole supervision, to snuggle down on my chest and watch Scrubs, and to go under my bed. I wish I'd cleaned my room ahead of time...

I have a long list of things I want to teach her. Of course, we're working on the basics first, like responding to her name, learning to come when she's called, and peeing outside. Eventually, though, my smart girl will learn to distinguish between her toys, to sit, lay down, & stay (in both English and ASL), where her room is, how to walk on a leash, and how to socialize with other dogs and people.

Oh yeah, and we're working on what not to chew on. Those puppy teeth can hurt.

So - this is my new exciting addition to my family... come by sometime when I'm not at Sizzler and you're welcome to cuddle and play with her. She'd love to meet you. :] 
Texted this photo to big brother... he said, "aww, she looks like a pirate." That's my girl. 

May 27, 2012

10 Things I'd Need if I Lived Alone (Except I Couldn't Think of 10 so it's Really 8)

Being away from home has made me start thinking about the not-so-far-off time when I will pack up all my unimportant articles (like my frog shower curtain, my shelf of 30 journals, and my liiiiiiitle tiny green glass hippopotamus) and move away from my home. Then I started thinking about what I'd probably (and impractically) like to have around after I move. I need to use numbers to show my list, but they are not in any significant order.

1) A roommate. Or, if I couldn't find one I liked, a noisy, annoying bird would work just as well. I just don't handle silence well... That 70's Show was playing loudly from my laptop constantly the last time I was home alone. Sadly, it was not conducive to getting work done. Oh, and I'm definitely not saying that a roommate would be noisy and annoying. But if I had a bird, that's a necessary qualification.

2) Two dogs. I have a theory about this, and possible split personalities. I was just discussing it with seastar last  night as we walked her big, sweet dog and the foster, crazy psycho dog. I need a little fluffy thing to put in my purse, like the dogs I used to own, and a medium-sized dog to make people nervous and help me feel motivated to go for runs. I would love them both equally.

3) Hummus in my refrigerator. I'd probably live off that stuff. That and PopTarts.

4) An island. I'll just be so sad if I don't have an island in my house.

5) A better laptop... I'm alright with not having a TV, but I can only steal my parents' Netflix so much of the time, and the laptop I have right now is really picky about what movies I watch and when. For instance: "Awww, you want to watch Singin' in the Rain in your room? Too bad... Loser." But never: "Awww, you want to do your ASL homework? Here, I'll just conveniently fail to work..." Thanks a lot, Laptop!

6) All available seasons of The Big Bang Theory. (I would probably date myself just to watch that more)

7) A nice coffee maker. I hear one can afford a Keurig after one's tax return. (sigh) Next year, I suppose...

8) A spiffy office with an array of Post-It Notes (the cute ones with patterns. I'm not talking about lame yellow Post-It Notes) and highlighters. You know, for all my important office stuff.

9) And I guess that's all I can think of.

10) So I really only need 8 things. Except in reality I need a lot more than 8 things, I'm just stuck at 8 for today... I'm too impatient to wait to think of 2 more things, though, so I'll just post this. riiiight.... now.

UPDATE: Ooh, a yoga space would probably be fun. For, you know, yoga. That could be number 9. Which, really, I'd just need a little hardwood space, because I have the mat and I could probably steal the handweights from my mom.

UPDATE: Okay, a Vitamix would definitely be my number 10. Or whatever number, since they're in no particular order. But if I had a Vitamix I could make my own ice cream with frozen strawberries and Half & Half, or I could make taco soup with water and chicken and celery and black beans and I'm not really sure what else he put in there but it was tasty... and I could make my own honey butter. Somehow.

Boom, 10 things!!

May 19, 2012

A Horribly Honest Look at My Prayer Life

I AM is with me, even when things seem horribly unfair.

Even when it feels that all have abandoned me, for new friends or old... I AM is the one to hold me. I AM is the one who loves His disciples to the very end.

Who calms me while I angrily cry bitter tears of jealousy and that-should-have-been-me's? Who washes my feet when I am unworthy to even walk next to Him? Someday I will understand. But He is. He has. He does. and He will. In His sovereign plan, I am nothing. I shake my head in disbelief at the way I cling to the hem of His robe and shamelessly beg for blessings to be bestowed on ME, too.

"GOD, ARE YOU LISTENING?!" I cry, ironically not listening myself. "Where are you? Why would you show favoritism like that?" And then the killer: "I thought you loved me."

So defensive. Such a tattletale. This is the opposite of what I want. But what I want is still selfish. What I want is still attention. What I want is still to be the unspoken favorite, fawned over when I am persent and missed greatly when I am not.

The inside of me is so bitter and awful. I can't get it out, I need to get it out. Please don't give up on me... I want to be like You, truly. Help me start. Help me start and help me keep going until I die.

- from my journal, sometime in June 2011

May 18, 2012

I think they're onto me...

I have a feeling this is what I might be like as a parent.

(via 22 Words)

April 18, 2012

Dear Dad....

Thank you for being my dad.
Thank you for loving me all my life through every moment, even when my hair was gross and I had braces.
Thank you for staying married to Mom.
Thank you for going to work every day even when you didn't want to, even when your body was stiff and tired, so I could have a house to come home to and a safe place where I only have to be me, and plenty of food to eat.
Thank you for wanting what is best for me.
Thank you for buying really nice tires for Pierre. <3
Thank you for doing the dishes almost every single night. I know you really don't like it.
Thank you for working so hard to keep Harvest together, even when nobody would stand beside you except for me and Mom.
Thank you for not giving me everything I want.
Thank you for holding me to high standards so that I have a good chance of becoming an exceptional person... thanks to you! :)
Thank you for my remote car starter.
Thank you for being interested in my life.
Thank you for not smoking or drinking.
Thank you for reading your Bible everyday and setting an excellent example for me.
Thank you for your sense of humor.
Thank you for being so wise & smart.
Thank you for loving Jesus more than anyone else in your life.
Thank you for teaching me about Him from the time I was little.
Thank you for dancing with me...
Thank you for being mine <3

April 16, 2012

Dear Future Nicole...

If I know you at all, you are probably still single.
And you are probably still really unhappy about that.

I just wanted to remind you to thank God that He didn't give you what you begged Him for.
It wasn't best.

You probably only miss the happy moments of dating...


You're gonna meet a guy who's gonna blow your fricken mind.
In the meantime, spend time with the One Who Already Has.

And stay happy, where you are... :)

Love. Love. Love.
~Past Nicole

March 22, 2012

He Said - Group 1 Crew

Who you are ain't what you're going through
So don't let it get the best of you
Cuz God knows everything you need
So you ain't gotta worry :)
You may be knocked down now, but just believe
What He said, He said

I won't give you more
More than you can take
And I might let you bend,
But I won't let you break
And no, I'll never ever let you go
Don't you forget what He said,
Don't forget what He said.

Don't fear when you go through the fire
Hang on when it's down to the wire
Stand tall and remember what He said...

EDIT: a few other things He said... "I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back to me. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you come looking for me, you'll find me. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed. I'LL turn things around for you." :) 

March 19, 2012

A Beating Heart

some lyrics I composed based on the poem "Twice" by Christina Rossetti. (you can read that poem here.) I hesitated to post it on my blog because of its blatant honesty... but then again, I'm kind of a sucker for blatant honesty. So hate it if you want, it's my heart.

O my love, O my love
There it was, pumping, beating. 
In the palm of my hand
And time was fleeting.
I knew what to do, I thought it made sense
I'd give it to you, I'd take such a chance...

O my love, you opened your palm
Your eyes smiled calm.
Nothing I saw warned me of the storm to come
Nobody told me I should run.

The weakness of my words is crippling
I buckle beneath your critical gaze.
The beating heart I gave you was not enough,
It was not enough, it was not enough,
It was not enough.

To watch you leave without looking back,
To know you saw me that way,
Was my least favorite feeling.
I hated that.
I wish I could forget that day.

I don't smile much lately anymore,
O my love, O my love.

But I pick up that broken heart from the sand
(Let me fall or let me stand)
God saw it all that day, He saw my tear-filled eyes
(Let me live or let me die)
This broken heart You see as whole...
Refine throughout with fire its gold
Hold it in Your forever hold
Whence none can pluck it out.

All I need to know is Your touch,
Onto Your strong Hand I'll cling...
Smile at me, I won't question much
Just smile at me, and I shall sing. 

March 9, 2012

what's going on...

yeahh, I'm getting my brother hooked on how i met your mother.

i'm sick of writing down biology notes and studying for 2 separate tests.

i'm job hunting... still gonna work at sizzler though.

i have a new piano student. his name is Mason and he's 6. *happy face*

yesterday i ate only apples and drank tons of water & tea and i lost a pound. i'm pretty sure i gained 5 today because i was so excited to eat food again. *siiiigh* must work out.

currently working on being one of these four amazing women. it's my dream.

there are just a few days left of the main street model search, and you can still vote for me! here's the link: 

and yeah, that's about it.... what's going on with you? :) 

February 28, 2012

Yay for...

Feeling fat & lonely.

Breaking a straightener.

Cutting open a fetal pig.

Flunking a French test. (I'm sure I didn't really, but to me a C is flunking...)

Still feeling fat.

Laughing because if you don't, you might cry.


Sharing sad memories.

Friends. <3


..... My day. Life goes on.

February 23, 2012

some pictures

February 13, 2012

Twice - Christina Rossetti

I took my heart in my hand
(O my love, O my love); 
I said: Let me fall or stand,
Let me live or die, 
But this once hear me speak-
(O my love, O my love)-
Yet a woman's words are weak;
You should speak, not I.

You took my heart in your hand
With a friendly smile,
With a critical eye you scanned,
Then set it down,
And said: It is still unripe,
Better wait awhile,
Wait while the skylarks pipe,
Til the corn grows brown

As you set it down it broke-
Broke, but I did not wince;
I smiled at the speech you spoke,
At your judgment that I heard:
But I have not often smiled 
Since then, nor questioned since,
Nor cared for corn-flowers wild,
Nor sung with the singing bird.

I take my heart in my hand, 
O my God, O my God,
My broken heart in my hand:
Thou hast seen, judge Thou
My hope was written on sand,
O my God, O my God:
Now let Thy judgment stand,
Yea, judge me now.

This contemned of a man,
This marred heedless one day,
This heart take Thou to scan
Both within and without:
Refine with fire its gold,
Purge Thou with dross away-
Yea, hold it in Thy hold, 
Whence none can pluck it out.

I take my heart in my hand-
I shall not die, but live-
Before Thy face I stand;
I, for Thou callest such:
All that I have I bring,
All that I am I give,
Smile Thou and I shall sing,
But shall not question much.

February 6, 2012


This year holds a lot of potential for me. I could be moving out, I could be moving away, I could stay here. There's a lot undecided...but here's what I know I want to (and can) do this year:

read 36 books. I have the titles all listed on a piece of paper. I've finished one so far... One Thousand Gifts... it was phenomenal.

finish my journal. I'm about halfway done.

lose those pesky 18 pounds. I could blame it on Sizzler, I could blame it on college... but really I can only blame me. There are plenty of skinny people in college... and plenty of skinny people at Sizzler =\ However, a friend of mine and I are long-distance and we've got a plan all worked. SKINNY FOR SUMMER!

visit Atlanta, GA. this is already scheduled for spring break!

write songs. gawshh I'm such a chicken!

finish watching Lost. I've been on season 2 foreeevvverrrr.

seize opportunities. daang, this is tough!

and from my bucket list which I'm sure you've read extensively... I choose memorize a book of the Bible and get ripped as my top two. I'll keep you posted on that.

What do you want to do this year?

February 5, 2012

I Wear My Dreams

I Wear My Dreams Like Ambitious, Impulsive Thrift Store Finds.

By themselves, they are so ordinary. Tossed away by others... rejected... I picked them up and somehow saw beauty in them. Pieced them together. Created something new out of things old. Now as I turn this way and that in front of my floor length mirror... I like the way these dreams fit. I like how they gently hug my curves and subtley disguise my flaws. The colors bring out my eyes.

I smile.

It's as if they were stitched just for me. Hands that held these dreams before me prayed over them, each thread and stitch. Words were spoken, blessings were blessed, and prayers were prayed.

These are My Dreams. 

That's why they don't look as good on other girls. They were made uniquely for me. My shape, my size. Other girls can't pull off these dreams... can't rock them like I can.

I Paint My Dreams Like Bold, Colorful Strokes Across a Black and White Canvas. 

Sometimes I'm afraid to paint what I really want. Sometimes I wonder if I ought to paint black and white like everyone else, but then I notice that the Colors are what make mine Beautiful. 

Back and forth brush strokes. Back and forth.

It's almost monotonous. I want to give up. Progress is slow. 

"Don't stop. Step back. Look at what you are making. It's beautiful." Sometimes I forget to listen. But sometimes I remember, and I step back... and it takes my breath away, it is so beautiful.

"Beauty comes from those who are beautiful," He reminds.

"Beauty comes from you," I whisper back. And I keep whispering His Beautiful Words over this painting, over these dreams, to dry the paint so it is captured forever, His and mine. Our Beautiful Thing.

I Sing My Dreams Like Calculated Arias. Never off pitch, never quite letting go. Just barely giving but I Will Never Mess Up. I will not be made a fool. I will practice until I get it perfect. I will keep them in the safety of my shower... I will lock them in the airtight box of my bedroom. People will not, must not hear the notes. What if I squeak, or run out of air? They might laugh. I cannot risk it.

He keeps on reminding. "Sing, for it is beautiful." 

I grimace. "Lord, I might screw up." 

"It will echo beauty." 

For some reason, His urging gives me confidence. So finally, finally, I sing.

And Oh, My Soul, it Magnifies the Lord With Beauty. 

January 27, 2012

Where I Want To Be

Bonjour from busy Nicole.

I have a list of homework as long as my arm... yet I still shiver and hold the warm laptop on my legs and search for beauty and tweet quotes from Ann Voskamp and text from my zebra-print phone and write down blessings and ignore laundry.

I think I am doing very well at life. I do what I love and what makes me happy and what makes my heart grow and swell and even ache with love. I read & write & sing & play...

This is exactly where I want to be.

January 5, 2012

I may not be the best girl...

I may not be the best girl. I may not get every joke and I may not know every politician. I may not make my bed every day and I may not always pray before I sleep.

I might text a little too much and talk a little too loud. I might be a little silly, I might spend too much money.

I may be frivolous. I may demand attention.

I might get lost in big cities and I might feel lost without my journal. I might not be the least bit talented; I might not know what I want to do with my life.

I may not want children right away and I may not always be the perky thing you think I am. I may not keep a clean house or cook very much.

I might like to be on the Internet. I might be best friends with Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. I might like living in a small town.

I may just adore Disney movies and I may just always be up for a coffee date.

I may not be the best girl... but I am a real girl, and my heart loves deep.