October 31, 2012

Dear My Closest Friend

I remember when you asked me to stay and I just walked away. I apologize.
I'm writing because I miss you much.
Dear My Closest Friend.

The stillness still reminds me of when we first fell in love and I miss that so much.

October 29, 2012

Fighting My Hardest

Running is such a battle for me.

I remember the first time I went for a real "run" when I was a preteen. It was before my chubby years had hit me, and I still had running muscles because I played outside with my next door best friends everyday.

I couldn't figure out why I felt so good.

My mom explained to me that there are these things called "endorphins" that release little feel-good messages into your brain.

Well... I like to feel good.

When I got my membership to the Summit, I started running on the treadmills everytime I went. I loved having the high of running half a mile further than last week.

After a few times, though, I started noticing shooting pains in my legs once I stopped running. I couldn't do any of those "run-walk-run" programs (like the couch to 5K) because the second I stopped running, I was almost immobilized.

For awhile, I ignored it. I would just run as far as I could without stopping and suffer for an excruciating few moments when I decided to stop. I even made it inspirational, in a way. We're constantly being told "no pain no gain" and even Jillian Michaels drops a few "this is where the change happens, in the moments that hurt" lines.

Soon, I was not able to ignore it any longer. It would hurt for days after. It hurt to walk. It hurt to work.

So I did what probably most people would do: I quit.

Quitting is easy for me. I really like quitting.

But I HATE being a quitter.

There's this thing on my bucket list that says I want to run Bloomsday. That means I want to run the WHOLE thing. The entire 7.whatever miles. No stopping. Doomsday Hill and all. I want to freaking EARN that T-shirt.

So at the beginning of summer 2012, I knew I wanted to start doing something. So I committed to running. Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday without fail. My first run was horrible. I only made it about half a mile and I wanted to die. My legs hurt. The next run was just as bad. I made myself go a little farther.

After a few weeks I could go a whole mile. Then came the dreadful hill. (Spoiler alert: I still can't make it all the way up the hill everytime.)

I fought everyday. I fought through pain and cold and bad weather and menstrual cramps and lack of sleep.
Every Friday I would reach the top of the hill and mentally celebrate because I didn't have to do it again until Monday.

Then one day my back felt weird. I kept running anyway. After all, it's the moments that hurt where change happens! That's what I kept on telling myself. About 2 miles in, it really started hurting. I kept going anyway. 3 miles. Then I stopped, expecting the pain to dissolve.

It didn't. It got worse.

I took a hot shower. Maybe it would help. It didn't. I went to work. I limped around like a three legged dog. I couldn't lift anything very heavy for weeks. I had to visit the chiropractor twice.

During those weeks I really missed running. I realized what a close friend it had become to me.

My back is better now. I still can't run 3 miles like I used to do, but I'm back to every other day. It hurts, and I hate it, and my lungs burn, and sometimes I can't tell if that's sweat dripping down my face or if it's tears. But that's what helps me remember I'm alive.

And I love fighting my hardest battle.


October 26, 2012

Some Emergency Compliments









... feel  better? ;) 


October 5, 2012

Just a Short Late-Night Task List

Lucy's chewing on my pajama pants strings right now....

I have a full night and an early morning ahead of me. Even if I don't have a voice lesson at 9:00, I still have to work at Sizzler at 10:30, which means getting up and getting ready and getting dressed and reading my Bible and chugging my spinach smoothie and not getting to snuggle with Lu :(

So tonight, I want to get all my songs for choir ready (that's Tuesday night), do a little Jillian Michaels yoga, take a shower, put up my hair, and.. whatever else. I'm really into showering before bed now. I can make a loose bun on top of my head with damp hair, sleep on it, and in the morning my curls will be PERFECT. Also, when it's cold like this, I have an aversion to morning showers because I don't normally blow dry my hair, I get sooo cold, goose bumps, frozen, ACK.

Next week I'm substitute teaching at JMA on Thursday again. That means I will teach the Thursday 3:45 & 4:45 classes, instead of just observing them, as well as my 3:45 & 4:45 classes on Friday... yikes! But I kept up on BSF this week, and I don't feel too overwhelmed and scared. (Lucy did somehow luck out and get away with not having a bath or her toenails clipped this week.)

I love stretching and growing. I love times in my life when I just throw up my hands in frustration with mascara and angry tears running down my face, and I just yell, "You know what?! I give up! I can't do this!" and then God is all like "Oh yes you caaaaaan" and then He imparts weird strength that I didn't think anyone could have. It's happened on several occasions in the last couple of years, and the results are just amazing. I can't wait to see what He's gonna do with me next.

October 2, 2012

Just a Bunch of "Someday" Thoughts.

Last night at BSF I got to volunteer in Level 2 of the children's program, with the third and fourth graders. (Incidentally, the same class my niece Jessica is in!) It was so much fun, and got me thinking about the long-ways-away future when I have children, and what I'd like to do with them and for them. Here's a few of my thoughts. Some could change, some may not happen... but for right now.

BSF... I love love love. I started going in the 6th grade and I'm still friends with most of the people I met in my class. I remember having so much fun learning the memory verse each week, and sitting in quiet reverence for the entire 20 or so minutes of the Bible lesson. And then last night, hearing their special answers to the questions... I wrote down a few.

Teacher: "What work has God given you to do in your home, school, church, or neighborhood?"
most of the children listed chores and homework, but my niece shared this unique answer: "to walk in His footsteps." Good grief, I love her.

Teacher: "What do you consider particularly interesting or challenging in this lesson that you have discovered for yourself through answering these questions?"
Niece: "He made man out of dust." (WHOA!)
Another girl: "The tree of life is Jesus." (WHOA AGAIN!)

I really want to homeschool my children if I have them. This is definitely a view I have that could change, but just think of all the cool learning we could do together. We could read and play outside and do math and learn about Jesus and snuggle ALL. DAY. LONG. Sounds great to me.

I think if they express to me a desire to learn music, they will not learn from me... it just seems like that's how it should be. Once my parents decided I could have piano lessons, I was so excited for the 30 minutes I got to spend at Jewel's house, and the coloring of the point thermometer, and the stickers and the monster cookies and yay!! I played for hours when I was a youngster.

WE WILL HAVE A DOG!

WE WILL PLAY OUTSIDE!

maybe more to come... can't believe I'm thinking about this. *sigh* I'm so old.
Actually last night one of my clients told me that I'm an old soul.. which is weird because I think I'm turning 15 again this year.