December 31, 2013

Looking Back

Today, I looked back over the year 2013. It was painful. Of all the years I've lived through, 2013 was the one with the most mistakes, the most wounded relationships, the biggest hurts and deepest regrets.

In 2013, I compromised standards I had grown up declaring would never change. I trusted many, and sought to please others and myself.

I packed up my unread novels, my favorite coffee mugs, and my pictures of Lucy girl and drove 500 miles away to a sweltering, tiny apartment I grew to refer to as "home".

I was forced to trust God for gas in my car and food in my mouth. So precarious. I often cried at Him for His timing.

So in looking back, and in looking ahead, my first instinct is to be afraid. I'm going to continue to mess up, I know I will. And why would I want that for myself? So I shrink away from a new year.

But somehow, my sweet mom posted a link on my Facebook wall a few days ago, a link to a blog post by Ann Voskamp (http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/12/how-to-move-forward-into-the-new-year-when-you-feel-like-you-failed-the-last-year/)... about falling forward.

I'm gonna make just as many mistakes in 2014, probably even more because that's just the kind of person I am. But if I'm falling forward, I'm at least stumbling into Strong Hands that can handle me in all my stupidity, in all my crazy, in all my blunders. Hands that knit me together in previously mentioned sweet momma's womb, that gave me my huge, clear blue eyes and my distinctly Scandinavian nose, and my bizarre sense of humor and my fierce love and my strong legs that will never be size 2.

So, with that in kind, I'm thrilled for another year, for chances to fall hard into Him. Because I'd rather fall into Him than walk alone.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Bozeman, Montana

December 24, 2013

A small, small voice

Do you ever feel like you need to do something, but the thought of it is so overwhelming that you ignore the feeling, and then the urgency grows along with the size of the project and you fall into a vicious cycle of wanting to do the thing but feeling too overwhelmed to do it, and so on and so forth?

That's me with this blog update. I'm grossed out by how long it's been since I've posted. I moved, I go to a different school, I got a new job, and I haven't paid off my car yet. Lucy doesn't live with me.

The thing is, as I glance through the pages of my journal, I am overwhelmed at the change in my life and my heart over just one semester. I see my emotions poured out to the God Who is my life no matter where I live. I see His provision and His love in small and giant ways.

And when I come back to Kalispell to visit, people ask me how school is going. They ask how I like it. They ask how my classes were. I understand these questions but I don't UNDERSTAND them. Or maybe you don't understand them. I can't tell you three and a half months of life in a five minute conversation.

So maybe that's really what overwhelms me. I have some ideas and some convictions and some goals, but I just can't share them all. Not yet.

On the 22nd of October this year, I wrote a poem. It can work as a sort of makeshift summary for now.

My voice is so small
My vowels are sometimes impure.
I run out of air because of my lack of strength.
When I push too hard, or strain myself,
Because I'm relying on my own ability,
I crack
And squeak.

Let me sing,
Not to be the best or the prettiest,
But because my love for You cannot be contained.
Let me begin each day,
Not with grumblings at the sound of my 5AM alarm,
But with joy at another day I get to spend holding Your hand.

Let me spend my hours
Seeking after a deeper relationship with You
And with my brothers and sisters
Instead of chasing fleeting happiness.

My voice is small
But it is for You. Will You use it?
Will You?
My hands are not skilled
But let them caress ivory keys with the same gentleness
That is in me when You touch my heart.
My hands are weak. They are easily tired
But let me know how to speak with them, so that those who live in silence can see Your love through feeble me.
My memory is bad
I forget words so easily
That I try so hard to remember,
Like looking at a mirror and walking away.
What color is my eyeshadow?
I don't remember.
And how much less I remember all the good things You do and give.

Cause me to sing
Cause me to play
Cause me to sign
My life away
In worship.






What I'm reading: Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
What I'm listening to: Frozen soundtrack
What I'm watching: Phineas and Ferb

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Jewel View Dr,Columbia Falls,United States