December 24, 2013

A small, small voice

Do you ever feel like you need to do something, but the thought of it is so overwhelming that you ignore the feeling, and then the urgency grows along with the size of the project and you fall into a vicious cycle of wanting to do the thing but feeling too overwhelmed to do it, and so on and so forth?

That's me with this blog update. I'm grossed out by how long it's been since I've posted. I moved, I go to a different school, I got a new job, and I haven't paid off my car yet. Lucy doesn't live with me.

The thing is, as I glance through the pages of my journal, I am overwhelmed at the change in my life and my heart over just one semester. I see my emotions poured out to the God Who is my life no matter where I live. I see His provision and His love in small and giant ways.

And when I come back to Kalispell to visit, people ask me how school is going. They ask how I like it. They ask how my classes were. I understand these questions but I don't UNDERSTAND them. Or maybe you don't understand them. I can't tell you three and a half months of life in a five minute conversation.

So maybe that's really what overwhelms me. I have some ideas and some convictions and some goals, but I just can't share them all. Not yet.

On the 22nd of October this year, I wrote a poem. It can work as a sort of makeshift summary for now.

My voice is so small
My vowels are sometimes impure.
I run out of air because of my lack of strength.
When I push too hard, or strain myself,
Because I'm relying on my own ability,
I crack
And squeak.

Let me sing,
Not to be the best or the prettiest,
But because my love for You cannot be contained.
Let me begin each day,
Not with grumblings at the sound of my 5AM alarm,
But with joy at another day I get to spend holding Your hand.

Let me spend my hours
Seeking after a deeper relationship with You
And with my brothers and sisters
Instead of chasing fleeting happiness.

My voice is small
But it is for You. Will You use it?
Will You?
My hands are not skilled
But let them caress ivory keys with the same gentleness
That is in me when You touch my heart.
My hands are weak. They are easily tired
But let me know how to speak with them, so that those who live in silence can see Your love through feeble me.
My memory is bad
I forget words so easily
That I try so hard to remember,
Like looking at a mirror and walking away.
What color is my eyeshadow?
I don't remember.
And how much less I remember all the good things You do and give.

Cause me to sing
Cause me to play
Cause me to sign
My life away
In worship.

What I'm reading: Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
What I'm listening to: Frozen soundtrack
What I'm watching: Phineas and Ferb

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Jewel View Dr,Columbia Falls,United States

1 comment:

Miller Family said...

Your heart is delightful. I love this. And you. :)