May 19, 2012

A Horribly Honest Look at My Prayer Life

I AM is with me, even when things seem horribly unfair.

Even when it feels that all have abandoned me, for new friends or old... I AM is the one to hold me. I AM is the one who loves His disciples to the very end.

Who calms me while I angrily cry bitter tears of jealousy and that-should-have-been-me's? Who washes my feet when I am unworthy to even walk next to Him? Someday I will understand. But He is. He has. He does. and He will. In His sovereign plan, I am nothing. I shake my head in disbelief at the way I cling to the hem of His robe and shamelessly beg for blessings to be bestowed on ME, too.

"GOD, ARE YOU LISTENING?!" I cry, ironically not listening myself. "Where are you? Why would you show favoritism like that?" And then the killer: "I thought you loved me."

So defensive. Such a tattletale. This is the opposite of what I want. But what I want is still selfish. What I want is still attention. What I want is still to be the unspoken favorite, fawned over when I am persent and missed greatly when I am not.

The inside of me is so bitter and awful. I can't get it out, I need to get it out. Please don't give up on me... I want to be like You, truly. Help me start. Help me start and help me keep going until I die.

- from my journal, sometime in June 2011

1 comment:

Michael Selhost said...

I admire you for your honesty. I am hardly able admit things such as these to Him, even when I know He sees them already.
Just because Someone knows something already doesn't mean you don't have to confess it, and I'm certain God appreciates that of you very much. :]