A Horribly Honest Look at My Prayer Life
I AM is with me, even when things seem horribly unfair.
Even when it feels that all have abandoned me, for new friends or old... I AM is the one to hold me. I AM is the one who loves His disciples to the very end.
Who calms me while I angrily cry bitter tears of jealousy and that-should-have-been-me's? Who washes my feet when I am unworthy to even walk next to Him? Someday I will understand. But He is. He has. He does. and He will. In His sovereign plan, I am nothing. I shake my head in disbelief at the way I cling to the hem of His robe and shamelessly beg for blessings to be bestowed on ME, too.
"GOD, ARE YOU LISTENING?!" I cry, ironically not listening myself. "Where are you? Why would you show favoritism like that?" And then the killer: "I thought you loved me."
So defensive. Such a tattletale. This is the opposite of what I want. But what I want is still selfish. What I want is still attention. What I want is still to be the unspoken favorite, fawned over when I am persent and missed greatly when I am not.
The inside of me is so bitter and awful. I can't get it out, I need to get it out. Please don't give up on me... I want to be like You, truly. Help me start. Help me start and help me keep going until I die.
- from my journal, sometime in June 2011
Even when it feels that all have abandoned me, for new friends or old... I AM is the one to hold me. I AM is the one who loves His disciples to the very end.
Who calms me while I angrily cry bitter tears of jealousy and that-should-have-been-me's? Who washes my feet when I am unworthy to even walk next to Him? Someday I will understand. But He is. He has. He does. and He will. In His sovereign plan, I am nothing. I shake my head in disbelief at the way I cling to the hem of His robe and shamelessly beg for blessings to be bestowed on ME, too.
"GOD, ARE YOU LISTENING?!" I cry, ironically not listening myself. "Where are you? Why would you show favoritism like that?" And then the killer: "I thought you loved me."
So defensive. Such a tattletale. This is the opposite of what I want. But what I want is still selfish. What I want is still attention. What I want is still to be the unspoken favorite, fawned over when I am persent and missed greatly when I am not.
The inside of me is so bitter and awful. I can't get it out, I need to get it out. Please don't give up on me... I want to be like You, truly. Help me start. Help me start and help me keep going until I die.
- from my journal, sometime in June 2011
Comments
Just because Someone knows something already doesn't mean you don't have to confess it, and I'm certain God appreciates that of you very much. :]