Sick Day Guilt
Hi all.
I took another sick day today. This ear infection is clinging to me like no other. I have been on antibiotics for over a week now, and while one side is very much improved (although, according to the doctor it still looks "angry," I just don't notice it as much because I'm focused on the very very very angry other ear), my left ear improved slightly and then worsened. I've never experienced anything like this. In the past two weeks, I've taken 3 sick days, which is extremely unusual for me.
I always get a sense of dread before I log on and fill out the form to request the day off. It's the weirdest thing. I have, like, sick day guilt. Definitely a big part of it is the money I am missing out on by staying home, but at what cost to my health? Why do I feel it's important to go to work and do a mediocre job all day because I can't focus or hear?
Some of it may connect back to my days working retail and food service, when not only were you guilted/shamed for needing a day off (I remember one specific instance where I called my manager and said I couldn't make it for my 12 PM to 9 PM shift because I had a fever so high I couldn't even get out of bed or stand -- and remember that in America it's a sin to let cashiers sit on a stool GOD FORBID--and he literally said to me, "Okay, so can you come in at 4:30 instead?"), we might even be accused of not really being sick. Because, you know, you can tell by someone's voice over the phone how they are feeling.
The other thing that still has me wary about sick days is that until this year, at my work we weren't able to accumulate paid time off. And now we can, which is awesome, but I feel like I've already burned through most of the time I was hoping to save up for vacation. C'est la vie. I guess you need to expect to be sick when you are literally with children half the time. Gross little germ machines.
Finally, I have this underlying guilt that I'm deceiving myself--like maybe I'm not as sick as I think I am, but my subconscious just wants to stay home and do the things that Nicole does when she stays home. I have this instilled feeling that unless you're in the hospital and DYING, you have no excuse to not be at work.
Sigh. Just my ramblings for the day. Even though I feel like crap, I'm going to try to A) rest, B) enjoy the day, C) not worry about the money and D) do the things that Nicole does when she stays home, with LITTLE TO NO GUILT.
And honestly, I am grateful. For everything I am and everything I have and everything around me. I am grateful for this ear infection that reminds me I am otherwise healthy, have good hearing, good energy, a good heart and lungs and stomach. I'm grateful for the reminder to rest and the reminder that it is ok to take the time off if we are in pain or just need a break. I feel like this is my body's way of grabbing me and shaking me and screaming "TAKE A BREAK DAMMIT!!!!"
There's not much of a point to all this, but I just wanted to get my thoughts down so they're not in my brain anymore and I can move on to something else. And if you are struggling with "workaholism" just know, you are not alone, and it's ok to take a day off if your ear is sore and throbbing and you feel like crying. Those piano students are probably grateful for a day off also. And they will be back next week to pester you and you'll be back to your old, pain free, hearing, laughing self.
Ciao!
I took another sick day today. This ear infection is clinging to me like no other. I have been on antibiotics for over a week now, and while one side is very much improved (although, according to the doctor it still looks "angry," I just don't notice it as much because I'm focused on the very very very angry other ear), my left ear improved slightly and then worsened. I've never experienced anything like this. In the past two weeks, I've taken 3 sick days, which is extremely unusual for me.
I always get a sense of dread before I log on and fill out the form to request the day off. It's the weirdest thing. I have, like, sick day guilt. Definitely a big part of it is the money I am missing out on by staying home, but at what cost to my health? Why do I feel it's important to go to work and do a mediocre job all day because I can't focus or hear?
Some of it may connect back to my days working retail and food service, when not only were you guilted/shamed for needing a day off (I remember one specific instance where I called my manager and said I couldn't make it for my 12 PM to 9 PM shift because I had a fever so high I couldn't even get out of bed or stand -- and remember that in America it's a sin to let cashiers sit on a stool GOD FORBID--and he literally said to me, "Okay, so can you come in at 4:30 instead?"), we might even be accused of not really being sick. Because, you know, you can tell by someone's voice over the phone how they are feeling.
The other thing that still has me wary about sick days is that until this year, at my work we weren't able to accumulate paid time off. And now we can, which is awesome, but I feel like I've already burned through most of the time I was hoping to save up for vacation. C'est la vie. I guess you need to expect to be sick when you are literally with children half the time. Gross little germ machines.
Finally, I have this underlying guilt that I'm deceiving myself--like maybe I'm not as sick as I think I am, but my subconscious just wants to stay home and do the things that Nicole does when she stays home. I have this instilled feeling that unless you're in the hospital and DYING, you have no excuse to not be at work.
Sigh. Just my ramblings for the day. Even though I feel like crap, I'm going to try to A) rest, B) enjoy the day, C) not worry about the money and D) do the things that Nicole does when she stays home, with LITTLE TO NO GUILT.
And honestly, I am grateful. For everything I am and everything I have and everything around me. I am grateful for this ear infection that reminds me I am otherwise healthy, have good hearing, good energy, a good heart and lungs and stomach. I'm grateful for the reminder to rest and the reminder that it is ok to take the time off if we are in pain or just need a break. I feel like this is my body's way of grabbing me and shaking me and screaming "TAKE A BREAK DAMMIT!!!!"
There's not much of a point to all this, but I just wanted to get my thoughts down so they're not in my brain anymore and I can move on to something else. And if you are struggling with "workaholism" just know, you are not alone, and it's ok to take a day off if your ear is sore and throbbing and you feel like crying. Those piano students are probably grateful for a day off also. And they will be back next week to pester you and you'll be back to your old, pain free, hearing, laughing self.
Ciao!
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